is this what it is?

are these the moments that define us?
oh god.
I don't want to be defined by my inability to function.
get up, lay down, go to sleep, wake up. dreams that dissipate but leave an uncomfortable residue. sticks to my consciousness. colors my feelings.
the hospital, the hospital, the hospital. I slept on a reclining chair and woke up whenever my mom's breathing changed. finally fell asleep soundly only to awaken to strangers surrounding her bed. breathing problems, what's wrong, and me embarrassed by sleeping.
since I got home, everything's been getting worse. been getting worse. I walked my bike home so I could talk to shiny. so we could talk about "us" and him and my mom and so I could feel less alone in this. he's trying. but afterwards I found myself wondering:
he isn't ready to be vulnerable to anyone? does that mean he doesn't want to be in this relationship? maybe he just doesn't want to tell me now because my mom might be dying
[i've become convinced that's it. she's dying she'll be dead and there's nothing I can do and isn't it good that I saw her before she got so sickly? I hate this train of thought but in my morbidity it's where I drift; three days off medication and beaten by a whirlwind and I am so fucking scared and sad and who holds me now that that I'm alone like this? I miss the physical comfort but I could deal with it better if I had the emotional support and openness I crave. it comes slowly, so slowly, like a mudslide gaining momentum but what if it dries out before it can get anywhere? what if never even reaches me? I'd love to drown in honesty but right now I'm not even sure where I stand -]
and death is nothing but endings, leaving room for a beginning, right? isn't the tarot card "change?" change is death. I have felt it so strongly at times that it felt there was no possible alternative but to die. I know. I have died so many times that I had to change my name.
I am 29. I thought I'd be better prepared. my mom is 59. that is far too young for this.
my sister and her husband smoke their cigarettes like they're not setting up their own children for this mess.
are we all in denial?