it's raining outside and inside and everywhere. I broke up with shiny because I got tired of feeling like I couldn't depend on him to be there for me when I needed him. on sunday, he left me while I was sobbing so he could take a bus, though he could have waited. I needed him and he left. whenever I have problems, when I'm sad, he doesn't check in with me. he doesn't see how I'm doing. he doesn't ask.
now my mom is in the hospital and I feel horribly, horribly alone. I want to cry all the time and I want someone to be here and hold me. I feel like I'm never going to meet anyone that can be what I need. shiny was so close. but he lacks ambition and motivation and the ability to look outside of his own tiny sphere. he lacks passion. I would say to him, "is this something that's going to change?" and he would say, bewildered, "I don't know." he doesn't seek to change himself. he lets the change happen to him.
for someone who doesn't like men, and who doesn't want to be male, he is very decidedly male. he is a boy.
I feel so fucking lost. my mom is sick. It feels like I don't have anyone. I keep thinking about ex-otter. I hope my mom doesn't die. it sounds like she won't right now, but it's still a fear.
I told shiny that I didn't want to hear from him unless he was begging for me to come back with promises of better communication. well, he's made that promise before. he doesn't fight for anything. why?
he just lets life happen.
people keep telling me this is the right thing to do. I don't know.
nothing feels right.
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