you don't know what this is because it's me and it's mine and who the fuck are you?

waiting 'til it's late enough to feasibly go to bed. been waiting all day just to go back to sleep. are these my days now? wake up, wait, sleep? I ate sporadically. I ate poorly. I didn't eat an entire meal at any point.
I don't feel like making the effort to take care of myself. It's too difficult. my sister called me last night and cried at me and I've been broken since then. shiny stayed later than usual last night to feed me by hand. I was heavy and couldn't move. I stayed up late and read. I don't know why. I woke up too early, maybe. took a nap yesterday. waiting now to sleep. going to go to bed soon, I hope. tomorrow I want to try to fix things. what is fixing? tomorrow I'm going to try to take care of things.
what things? what are things? things?
money. I need money. gotta talk to financial aid. tomorrow I have work. work from 12-5. I haven't been to work since before my mom got sick. my mom is dead now. she's dead.
my sister called me and cried and she's always been the strong one. I'm the sensitive one. I'm the crier. why aren't I crying? why is it so hard?
what's wrong with me.
I need a babysitter. for me.