t/walking

We walked around the damp patches of concrete, looking alternately at our feet and each other. She told me of the secret acts the boy she liked used perform. Things like paint obscure things outside her place of employment; things only the two of them would understand. His band played a song that mentioned something they once discussed. For years they played these secret games, but in person would never admit to each other what was going on.
What is that like? I say that I want someone who would surprise me, who would show their love in tiny ways. It seems so romantic to have these secrets that are never mentioned in person. She says she wouldn't do it like that again. She says that if an opportunity like that arose again, she would take it.
Where is the room for romance and mystery when you're pushing 30? Are these the settle-down, get-your-life-in-gear days? My roommate feels lonely because her friends are all paired off, getting married, having kids. Where does that leave us, the late 20-somethings? This is a position I never thought I'd be in. Being in a relationship was never a need or a worry of mine. I finally understand what all the lamenting has been about. I told her, "none of my friends are that way." She said, "maybe I need to expand my social circle."
She is friends with "normal" people. I have always only had outcast friends; those people that are awesome but just can't quite fit into what the rest of our culture likes. Either that or they're like me and don't WANT to fit in. To me, at this point and time, fitting in would be giving up. I wouldn't really know where to start anyway.
Grow my hair out, I guess.
There are all these things a person can do to gain acceptance. When I dressed like a boy, had weird hair, was strictly vegan and was dating a man (as opposed to a woman, which was expected and would have granted me access to the queer community), I didn't fit in anywhere. When I was married, that gave me a pass into that little sect of society. When I started eating more freegan style, that allowed me to connect a little more to different people because suddenly we could share pastries. When I started dressing more feminine, people started treating me differently as well. I'm divorced now. I still identify more with veganism than with anything else, but I am not vegan. I identify as queer but I wear skirts. I'm bi but I mostly date men (women are frightening for me to approach). My hair is the only thing that I've kept the same by continuing to change it constantly. What will I do when I need a job as a social worker? The ultimate sell-out?

It's bad enough that one of my goals in life is to find a partner and get married. That is the opposite of where I used to be. I was once very much opposed to the idea of me getting married. Now I long to find a partner and settle in with them. Not settle down, because I'm not ready yet to pick one place and stay. I want someone to share the rest of my life with me. I want someone to grow with, to see change, to love and be loved by. These are things I have always taken for granted. It is good that I am single. I know this. This is a time of great personal growth for me. I know this as well.
Let's be honest. I miss the attention. I miss being adored, loved, doted on. I miss having someone that I know will be there for me. I need someone solid. I need someone to help ground me, to call me out, to pick me up, to be vulnerable, to be open, to share their honesty. I don't think this person can possibly exist. But the older I get, the greater the chance gets. It would be very rare for a 20 year old to exhibit those traits. But a 30 year old? Maybe.

Trying to come to terms with and accept that I might be single for the rest of my life. And I must become truly ok with this idea.
Otherwise, I will never get anywhere. Not with myself. Not with anyone.