my melancholy

"I don't think you feel about me the way I feel about you."
"I'm sorry."
That awkward laugh; the one that means he feels uncomfortable. The one to fill the dead space between a confession and a lack of response.
Not lacking. Just none possible.

I said, "I don't want to have hope. I don't mean that in a negative way. I just have to accept that I'm not going to find anyone in Providence. I'll find someone eventually. Just not now." I want to strangle my hope. "I am not good at single." I want to embrace my solitude.

When did being in a relationship stop being something that just happened to me and instead became a goal? When did this become something that I wanted?
How long will this continue? When can I just accept that I am single, that it is fine, that a relationship is not that important?

I never understood all those women that complained about being alone; about wanting a man; about "finding the one." There was never any point of reference for me. But I know from previous experience that it's when you stop looking that love rears it's confusing head. I don't know how to turn this off.

Why can't I leave myself alone?