I do not mean this in a self-defeatist way. Why would things be different, though, if my behavior has not changed? I swore off casual sex in words, but my actions have shown a different truth.
I can't escape from these easy emotions. I can't escape from the rush of desire and feeling hands against my skin. I can't give up these dreams on the path of least resistance. I have a great soreness just beneath my sternum and I do not know how to heal it.
Listen to songs that make my heart blossom, only to find there's nothing within the bud. I still have this emptiness. It's been with me for most of my life. I remember what it was to need to hold someone so closely that it made my bones crack. I remember needing, needing, needing to be pressed against someone tightly. It wasn't a want. It was a desperate desire that could not be set aside.
I feel that now, yet there's no one anywhere to fit into the curves of my torso. There are no arms to grip me; no clavicle to catch my tears. Basin spilling out my joy and sorrow.
Listening to heartfelt songs, so that I feel this way again.
Listening to the words I do not write; that are not written for me.
I want a romantic. I want someone to pick up my poetry and art and envelope themselves in it, so I can see my muse as reality. I want someone to cry on my chest. Someone who will look at me and be unable to look away. I want someone to be my refuge. I want to shelter them.
These people do not exist.
If you had these feelings, why didn't you share them?
I don't know who I am either, but I'm so close to it. I don't know who you are but I'm willing to learn.
My life got stuck almost a year ago. I have been moving in fits and bursts. What if someone just came along and pressed play? Is my life gonna move along again?
I can't hear anything but the sound of someone else's voice.
I don't even know what I'm saying.
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