this is not a dream.

This is not a chance to erase all memories. This is not some "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" movie bullshit. This is not letting leeches suck out the bad blood. These things don't exist. These are impossibilities. And I still can't let go.
There are images that visit me when I am my most vulnerable. The faces Pants made when I was astride him. His missing teeth. Him calling me "lover." The last night in his old apartment. Holding him while he cried. His intensity. His eyes.
And I think about ex-husband. The scar in the corner of his eye. His weird crooked teeth. The faces he would make to amuse me. The noises. His fingers. His fidgeting. His genius. His love.
In between, there is still ex-otter. And I hate him. And it hurts. Sometimes I feel it well inside of me, raw and bloody, and I don't know what to do with it. Mostly I can't cry anymore. Mostly I just hurt, or become numb, or find some way to distract myself.
I thought I'd figured out where I belong. I was wrong.
These three people, all so different. What connects them? They are a spectrum. They are a spectrum and my hate and my hurt and my love swings freely between them like a pendulum caught in a tornado. I still wait to hear from people to whom I no longer exist. I wait for understanding that never comes.
Lately the subject of children keeps coming up, and I think, "once I would have been willing to be a parent if it meant ex-otter would come back to me." I wonder if that was me. I wonder again how much of my disdain for children is real and how much is just for show. I can't figure out if what I say is what I feel. Do I really not like children? Or am I scared to have them because I don't want to be crazy? I don't want to fuck up someone's life. I don't want to fuck up my life. I don't want to fuck up.
For me, every decision brings about a judgment. Am I making the best choice? Is this the most logical thing to do? Can I do this?
I don't know. It's impossible to know because we can only see the road that we are on.
I don't like these memories, but I can't give them up. Once upon a time, I was going to be with my ex-husband forever. It still feels that way sometimes. I don't know how it could. I feel foolish. I hate this instability. I hate this insecurity. I hate that people so easily leave.
So many people have left me and stayed gone despite my best efforts.
Me, I can't let go of anything.