be still

there are times when I still miss them as though they never broke my heart. times that I remember hands, or lips, or a liquid way of movement. words I would like to put back inside my chest still linger in my memory. in theirs' too? what about them?
I still believe that to say a thing will make it true. I would have had ex-otter's baby. I trusted Pants, more than anyone else, as I sat on his kitchen floor, fearing his judgment. I really did think buttercup could have saved me. I really did go crazy when I left ex-husband.
We watch our words like breath steaming from mouths on a winter day. we watch moments pass because there's no way to hold onto anything. nothing is fixed. nothing is permanent. plans do not come to pass. when someone says they'll do something and then they do it, I am always surprised. when someone says they'll do something and then they don't, I am always disappointed.
the secret to my youthfulness is to always be surprised by every response. and yet I already see the outcomes. I still press on, hoping I'm wrong.
I mean, I've been wrong before. Right?
I am still waiting to hear of that loathed pregnancy. I am still expecting a heart-break on the way. I am still waiting for emotion to rise. I am waiting to have nothing to do with any of it.
do you know silence?
it is the absence of sound. the sounds these people keep from me. they can say it's for the best, and maybe it is. obsession cannot grow devoid of nourishment. If I cannot find a thing, then I can learn nothing of it's movements. so they block me, or I block them, and we close our eyes to our truths.
I have these memories. small glimpses of a former life. missing teeth. well-worn hands. long, slender fingers. green eyes. faces made just for me. silliness only I saw.
I don't feel as sad as I seem to be. I am just remembering. it is a lament without emotion. there is acknowledgment. these people are gone.
gone, but shadows remain.