oh I don't know

thick in the library. the air is heavy, weighs on my head, makes it ache ache ache. 4am reached out to grab me last night and I found myself consumed with inconsequential thoughts. costumes, sex, guilt. guilt. called Bones today -- it's her birthday. I've feared this for months. she said she's changed and I believe it. I still feel like a jerk.
heart is weird today. emotions all twisted, and the beat isn't right. feels out of rhythm. what is rhythm? another way to measure time.
4/4 3/4 2/4 5/7 5/16, who cares. it's all the same to me. means nothing.
I hurt today. get all twisted up trying to figure out where I am. time's not moving right. I fear tomorrow and with no good reason. I wish I could blame this on hormones. how about just blaming the weather?
there is nothing to fear from tomorrow. I will see Shiny and he will hold me and we will kiss and I will write two papers that will be done for Monday and everything will be fine. right?
right.
I know this will pass. and I'll stop grinding my teeth. and I'll be able to sleep. and my ears will feel normal. and life will go on.
sometimes the situation just kills me.