caught left-handed

the most difficult part about having a journal that everyone can read is that everyone can read it. my mom used to read my old website. my sister reads this one. so do strangers. so do lovers. so do exes. so do friends. I keep track of the IP addresses of the people that visit this site but that doesn't necessarily tell me who they are. sometimes I can make a good guess. other times it stays a mystery.
the only person that regularly brings up the things I write here directly to me is Fig. people feel the things I write about are too personal to actually talk to me about. I think it's strange that someone would be willing to read all this and then not want to say anything to me about it. that makes you a voyeur. but I know that you're watching me. so if you don't want me to know, then find a better way to spy.
of course, on the flipside, I'm an exhibitionist. I know that anyone, absolutely anyone, could find this site. that is both terrifying and exhilarating. I suppose that's exhibitionism for you.

but the point that I'm getting at here is this: I actually do limit what I put on here. I didn't used to, before I knew who read this. but my readership impacts what I write, and that was not my intention when I started spying on visiting IP addresses. the reason I signed up for the service was to see if Pants was reading my page. I'm not kidding. he wasn't. I'm not surprised.
but knowing that Fig reads this has kept me from talking about how I think I'm falling in love with him, because I don't want to say it first, but he's not going to say it first because he'll think he's pressuring me or something. and because I previously said, on this site, that I didn't want to hear or say it. Oh, the dilemmas of the modern world.
knowing that my ex-girlfriend reads this keeps me aware of the heterosexual nature of my serious relationships since her. but dating dudes doesn't make me any less attracted to ladies. guys are just easier for me to approach and relate to. I know I'm not the only bisexual to feel that way. and dating men doesn't make me any less bi, no matter how guilty my lack of girl-play makes me feel. this is just the way things are going. not a hell of a lot I can do about it. maybe if guys weren't so easy and girls weren't so clingy ...
not you, von, of course.
as for my sister reading this, I feel good about that. she gives and takes. she doesn't make her private life public like I do, but she lets me know what's going on with her in her own time. that's important to me. Chick also keeps in touch with me. so it's not all a mass of silent voyeurs.
and besides, I see you looking.