I try

I am waiting for the world to end. I want all my debts to be erased. I want everything that has gone before to not matter anymore. I want all the things that I have done, and that has been done to me, to become equally meaningless. I want oblivion more than I want anything else. But because I am selfish, and others are selfish, I want it to be total. I want everyone wiped out together.
I have talked to people about how I long for a pandemic to kill us, how I want an apocalypse. I want an excuse to give up without it being my fault. and if no one is around to feel the loss, then all the better.
destroy everything. Not a war, not a massacre; just a total cessation of all human life. Let us leave. But turn the reactors off, first.
I told Fig that my cat has saved my life since I had her, that there were times I didn't kill myself just because I wasn't sure who would take care of her when I was gone. Right now I am the most content I've been in a while, and it terrifies me. Luca doesn't sleep with me anymore and it saddens me. Everything changes and this is also frightening. Now I can't die because of what it would do to my family: my nieces, my sister. Before I wouldn't die because of my cat. At least I'm making progress.
It's not that I'm actively suicidal. I'm not. That changes when the spring comes. I love life right now, despite my gnawing fear, but that adoration is always tinted by the memory of winter. It is my lurking shadow, waiting to strike. The days are getting longer, and it is wonderful, but I know they will shorten again in just a few months. It is this inability to live in the present that fuels my depression. It is the knowledge that, no matter how good things are now, they will get bad again, that keeps me from fully embracing anyone. In the winter, in the throes of that darkness, I can only vaguely remember spring. Winter feels never-ending. Spring/summer feels ephemeral. Why the difference? Maybe because there's so much more to lose when the sun slips away. The winter envelops me in static and keeps me seeing beyond itself. Spring opens me back up again.
here I am, on the cusp of summer. not sure what anything means. terrified of my future, but abundantly excited at the same time. I could fall in love. I could fall apart.
there is so much promise in the world.
no wonder it's so easy to wish it away.