here I am, back in rhode island. for a little over a week I got to trespass in another world. I got to see what it's like to live without concern. I was in a big house with amenities. I was cared for. it felt like I was a child again. the feeling was heightened when I went to stay at a resort with my sister and her family. I will always be her little sister, and in that way I become a child. I relate more to the actions of her daughters, and I build sand castles with them and make stupid jokes. it is comfortable to be young. it is always nice to have someone else take care of things, pay for things, lead me around.
it is painful to realize that I would rather have that in my life now than to take control. that I fantasize about leaving school and just curling up in fig's bed to let him take care of everything. I want to withdraw completely from the world. I want to just make papier mache masks and art all day. I don't want to have to think about anyone or anything outside of my tiny bubble of him, and me, and my cat, and my itty bitty sister-family.
everyone else is a disappointment. but these few people are the only ones I feel I can love and forgive unconditionally. I am terrified of the people outside of my little circle. and even they are given limits. I don't let any of them in too far. who can?
I want to withdraw. Sometimes I think with longing of mental wards. I think of the schedule and stability and the total lack of individual decision-making. it is so comforting. it was 12 years ago but I still remember the starkness and fear, and over top of it the people telling me what to do and what not to do. I should recoil, but instead I miss it. and because I want it so badly, I must fight it. but sometimes independence is such a struggle. I just want a break for a while. I just want to relax in reality instead of having to find stability outside of daily life.
I want my basic needs to be met. stable housing, stable job, stable school, stable friends, stable food, stable family, stable partner. I long for stability.
it is, consistently, the thing that most frequently eludes me.
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