Uh

I know I've said it before but now I feel it so keenly
There is no saving me

And all the people who thought they could
Or were encouraged by me
All learned what a waste of time I am

There is no saving me

I've chewed up friends and partners
Left behind as many as have left me
Now I'm surviving a lonely existence

There is no saving me

Avoidant personality disorder
Another way to say I'm done with dealing
Shut me up for good away from nearly everyone
And I'm getting used to it

I wanted to be a better person but instead I'm just a lonelier one,  caught in an endless loop of nostalgia and self-loathing, rendered immobile by my aversion to confrontation. I don't want to explain myself, I don't want to deal with my reality. I feel lost in my mind. Endless cycles of broken relationships and somehow it's always my fault. People don't like me. I don't connect. I fuck them over. I lose control. They say that I act like what I want is more important than what they want. Maybe I don't know how to express what I want. I hate asking for things. I hate myself. Over and over and  o v e r  .   .    .

there is no saving me.

I formulate apology letters in my head that I never send because I want to respect that those I've hurt don't want to hear from me.
I don't know how to say anything without sounding self centered and sad. I've become a parody of myself.
Oh well. My life now, my circle of safety, is my introverted partner and my doomed cat.
I have to stop thinking about it now.
I miss having friends and being social and feeling self sufficient
Now I can barely take care of myself

No saving

I put myself here

Me.