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lately it feels like there are so many things I want to say that I can't get them all out. really, it's the past couple years. I know I oversimplify, I know I complicate, I know I spend too much time in my head and not enough anymore outside of it. but maybe I need to stop editing what I write and just let it out.

I've been in Fl almost three years. I don't want to say they've been the worst of my life, but it's definitely been isolating. however, I have always lived my life in isolation. always. no one has ever lived up to the expectations I have, least of all me. and forgiving people doesn't matter much if they've moved on and want nothing to do with you. I ricochet around, jumping from one idea to the next. maybe my friends from highschool left me because I'm a shitty person. Maybe they're just shitty people. maybe most of my close friends cutting all ties with me over the years is because of my unmanaged gender dysphoria (I refuse to call it gender identity disorder) and my ill-treated anxiety, depression, and misophonia. maybe I have some other yet unnamed mental health issue, or neurological problem. I wonder how people would react if I did move back to providence. It wouldn't fix me, it wouldn't change things. I'm still me, and I'm stuck with me, and I can't change how people view me.

I wonder if stories circulated about the shitty things I did. the people I fucked. I dunno. it seems a little silly to even mention it. of course it wasn't just the sex, it was my inability to handle difficult situations in a subtle manner. and all of our inability to actually talk about shit before it reached a boiling point.

I know I have the inclination to come off as a victim. I don't mean to. a lot of times it feels like things have been done to me, even when I am simultaneously recognizing that my own actions and decisions have caused a lot of the heartache in my life. and depression and anxiety only go so far, right? and blaming parents only goes so far, right? and blaming EVERYONE only goes so far. but the problem I have, like the problem I have when I read all those "how to get rid of toxic people in your life" (me) articles is ... what do I do now? and am I really as bad as I think I am?

but

here's the other thing. yeah, the majority of my friends have scattered. but I'm a shitty friend. I'm really really bad at being a friend. how much of that is me, and how much of that is other people? I don't know. if someone is only contacting me when their other friends are MIA, then I slowly start to write them off. I will write people off over anything. but I'm also super fucked in the head, so the fewer friends I have, the more messed up I get.

recently I read this thing about how some people will want to take on tasks just to prove they can do it better than everyone else. I know that isn't me totally, but it is definitely true for some things. I do the opposite, too, where I will completely avoid something just because other people are into it. I don't know where the line is drawn. sometimes it feels like I don't know myself at all.

I think back to, I dunno, 8 years ago. when I was the only one in my family who talked to everyone. now my mom is dead and I barely talk to anyone.
I miss my brother but the thought of having to carry the entire relationship with him again is exhausting. and therein lies the problem -- the people I really want to be friends with and connect with don't want to be around me, and the people who want to be around me aren't people that I have any interest in. there are a couple people I know from RI who are always willing to hang around, so to speak, but I don't like them. They annoy me and seem kind of desperate. I hate desperation. but that is what I'm doing. I'm a desperate, angry, lonely, jealous person. I don't like when people that are similar to me do things that I do, because DAMN IT I DID IT FIRST. the inanity of these feelings drive me insane. and I'm convinced I will never have the group of friends I dream of having because 1) I am not that person and 2) those people don't exist.

if I move back to RI, will people be friends with me? will they forgive me? will I see them in public? do I owe them an apology, or do they owe me? does it fucking matter? is there a point?

almost two weeks ago I begged my partner to let me kill myself, because I won't do it unless I know he'll be ok. everyone else in my life would deal. my nieces are young and no one else feels close enough to care that much. they all move on, you know? but he wouldn't give me an answer, and I can't do something like that knowing it will destroy him.

people don't want to be around people who are like me. unless they're people like me, which I don't want to be around. go figure. I can't handle any outside anxiety at this point and time. I can't handle anything but comfort and honesty. openness. I sitll think back to being told that I'm too unstable. so many people have said that. as though it's something I can control. I can't. I am an unstable person. I have been on medication and gone through so much therapy. I will always be unstable. I can't be close to more than like one person at a time. I hate this about myself. I've always wanted to have a gorup of friends that would do shit like throw me a surprise birthday party and it pisses me off so much that thinking about stuff like that still makes me cry. I don't even have enough friends for a regular party now, let alone a surprise one. I left facebook because I got so sick of seeing everyone else's love for each other and feeling like I was a starving kid looking through a window at a banquet. I have my cat. I have my partner. I have two people that I sometimes text. That is my entire support circle. the only time anyone has visited me since I moved to florida was my sister and her family, because she had a speaking engagement. that engagement got canceled this year so they canceled their trip to see me. how nice for them.

the moral is you get what you give, right? I gave shit and got it back. from nearly everyone. I want to give up entirely but being a hermit makes me suicidal. everything these days makes me suicidal.

I start typing responses on twitter and instead of hitting "send" or post or whatever, I just delete it. everything deleted. I am better for my silence, right? I feel like I've been self-silencing to please people since I went back to college and realized no one wants to hear me point out the bullshit all the time. I don't know how to do it without sounding negative. I don't know how to be tactful so I shut up instead. That is what I have learned. that is what every single person in my life has taught me -- shut up or they'll leave me. or shut up and they'll leave anyway. it's so hard to find anyone that will listen. my cat. my partner. two people that text from time to time. that is my entire circle of people that listen and stay. so far. once it was larger, but they left. they left.