naming the sins

there are so many things I miss about the life I used to lead: the way I looked, the clothes I wore, the bike I rode, the people I dated, the places I lived, the friends I had, the social life. I don't miss the jobs or the bosses or the stupid hours. I miss seeing bands and making do with what I had. Romanticizing my punk-rock existence with dumpster diving and garbage picking. making shelves from milk-crates and discarded boards left out for trash. walking around whole foods, eating from the bulk bins and salad bar (despite all the signs saying not to). I miss my shopping being limited to what I could fit in my backpack. making out with people I met at a bar, or from okcupid. running in the rain with von, holding hands, enjoying providence. I am so fucking nostalgic for those days and I can't do anything about it.
it reminds me of absolutely everything, everything, everything I have lost over the years. all the people. so many people. people I was close to, people I didn't know how to get close to. lovers and best friends and acquaintances and mentorees, and mentors. people I looked up to and those that looked up to me. I miss feeling full. I don't miss having mood swings so bad that they cost me all those people. I don't miss my depression (it never gives me time to) or my anxiety (because it's my constant companion) or the way I hurt the people that were closest to me.
there are always these articles online about how to get rid of toxic people. but where are all the articles about how to stop being a toxic person? I miss therapy. I miss using social work classes as a way to reign in my ego. I miss medication. I miss feeling like I was working towards something bigger than me.
I don't know where I'm going. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I am. I've lost nearly every part of the identity I used to have, and to be honest, I really fucking liked that person. I was living the life I wanted to be living, even if I was a little ashamed of it at the time. I still feel ashamed now, just for different reasons. now I'm too privileged, and have access to too much money, and live in too big of a place, and am entirely disconnected from any community. it sucks. and over all, anxiety pulls the strings.
all the people that left me, left because they couldn't deal with their demons and mine simultaneously.
I don't blame them. most days, even I can't deal with mine.
I miss the person I used to be, but I don't miss the way I used to feel about who I was. if only I could have seen myself then the way I look back and see myself now.
maybe I could have kept a few more people around.