thinking

there's this feeling of trying to understand the impact one has on others. the need to know that a mark is being made, while simultaneously trying not to blow yourself out of proportion. to ignore the eyes watching you is as delusional as believing everyone or no one is staring. it's the ones that silently drink you in that seem the most affected. they change in subtle ways and forever pinpoint you as the crux that caused it.
I remember volunteering and slowly watching the outcasts mimic the patches I wore on my clothes, and their hair got shorter and funkier the longer I stayed. I tried to say it wasn't me, but the delusions wouldn't stick. I had little followers and didn't do anything with it. I was too scared to figure out what it meant. maybe all I needed to do was exist and show that it's possible to be different and alive.
since I moved, my sense of self has been out of whack. I have this new community I influence, and again I'm trying to ignore the impact I have. what do I do with it? I try to preach words of inclusion and tolerance but I don't know how far it goes. I don't know how much it matters. I am still an authority figure to some, and a friend to others. my failure in the past was in holding myself too distant but there's the other side of things, where I get too close. what do I do with this? where do I go with that?