I do dear, I do

now that I'm in a good relationship, I'm not supposed to reminisce about the shitty ones. I'm not supposed to miss people that hurt me and lied to me and left me. but I do anyway. I don't want them, but I think about them, and I feel sad.
because for such a brief time, Pants let me see what he was really made of. because for a while, he let me hold him and let me hear him sing and say stupid things. for a while I believed something could be there, even though I knew with the rest of me that nothing could come of what we did. nothing could come of what we did to each other, other than what has. a little bit of bitterness and a lot of melancholy.
"sometimes I cannot sleep for the greatness of my hate for you. sometimes I cannot sleep for I miss you." I wish there could have been more for us, at least for a little while. nothing could have lasted. I know that. but being with him made me feel so special. I was somewhere few people got to visit. I saw things few people were allowed to witness. I held him when he cried, and that is a memory I cherish.
I don't know what I would have done if he had loved me back. maybe I would have run as fast from him as he ran from me.
or maybe we would have burned to ashes in each other's arms before our abusiveness could undo us. what we had was not meant to last. it was built on uncertainty and desperation. we didn't know each other but pretended we did. I whipped him and bit him and he made me leave at 4 in the morning when we were done. and I did.
I was never really into the sex. I just liked feeling wanted.
I liked that he, specifically, wanted me. even if all he really wanted was my body.
I don't think I could have gotten close to him any other way.
I miss him. I do. but it's foolish. the entire thing was foolish.
the melancholy felt good sometimes.
still, I'm glad it's behind me now.