days like these, I feel ok

I can't remember anymore who the pretty one was. all I know is that it wasn't me. it was never me. I didn't get to be the top of anything. I wasn't the smartest or the fastest or the nicest or the meanest. I got to be crazy. I got to be chaos.
I got older and more bitter as I watched
everyone
gradually leave me.
I turned down the anger but upped the resentment. and I hated all the friends that left me because they couldn't handle my chaos.
the ones that stayed are the solid ones. the ones that don't have that flicker inside. they may create chaos, but it's not what they are. the people like me, the ones that are built around instability, they're the ones that had to go away.

I think back on my high school friends and sometimes I'm so bitter that they all left me. more than left, they abandoned and ignored me. every attempt at reconciliation they denied with their inaction. but I don't blame them anymore. how can I? I would have done the same in their shoes. I have done the same to others.
it's taken me years and years and years to mostly accept that. every time I want to reach out to them again, to ask again for forgiveness for being me, I have to remind myself that I would have left, too. when I think of the dozens of friends I no longer have, the ones that I loved and loved until it ate me up, until it made less of both of us, I feel hurt. I hurt and I want to reach out and write magic words that will bring them back. it doesn't work, though. people aren't like that. this isn't a game where, if I pick the right sequence of sentences, someone will be on my side again. we humans aren't so easily fooled.

how much have I changed, really? I think it's been a lot. but I still feel that core of instability. I will never be able to adhere to a schedule on my own. I will never be consistent. I've always viewed these as short-comings. I thought I lacked motivation, but really I just need a long time to prepare. I still have so much trouble being patient. when I am ready to do something, I need to do it NOW or else it's impossible to know when I'll be ready again. it is difficult for me to do something just because someone tells me to do it. it drove my mom crazy that I didn't just jump up and do what she wanted me to do when she wanted me to do it. she never understood that I just wasn't ready. but I also didn't understand her need for control.

I understand so much more about my mom, the older that I get. I think of all my anxieties, my endless bag of anxieties, and I see them all placed on her in retrospect. she was crazy as fuck but didn't know why. I know why now, because I have those same emotional problems. I just don't have a family to contend with. I get to focus on my mental health unimpeded. I am so grateful for that.
but a lot of mental health revolves around listening to what people are telling you, observing their actions, and being self-aware. this self-awareness also means noticing what you are saying to people and noticing your own actions. I think that is the difficult part.
We are endlessly fallible but also capable of forgiveness. it is, of course, hardest for us to forgive our own short-comings. but it's also hard to forgive people who acted out of self-preservation to the detriment of ourselves. the trick is to give them the benefit of the doubt. the trick is to do it for yourself.

I forgive those that I feel abandoned by. I forgive myself for not being what they needed. I can let it go for periods of time, and when it hurts, I can let myself feel that without closing off the pain. I can breathe.