some emotions I found

there are still times in my life when I feel the panic rising, and the pain of loss, and I want to rage out against everyone that didn't make some effort to comfort me when my mom died. tears verge on falling, but can't seem to break the barrier that will allow them to cascade from my eyes. my chest is tight, and raw, and I feel an overwhelming anger. and I wait. and I grieve. and then I think about what I would have done in that situation, and I realize it is no different. I would have done nothing.

it is so immensely difficult to care for people, or even about them. caring involves a vulnerability that is difficult to bear. it has hurt me so much in the past. to remove the armor opens myself up to unfathomable pain. but to keep myself hobbled ensures my own defeat. I am nothing when I am alone. it is only through others that we can live, and feel, and breathe, and love.

try to let go of the anger and resentment. angry that my mom had not ever bothered to visit me before the weekend that she died. angry that she won't be around to see me graduate. angry at her husband for seeming to blame me for her death. angry at him for depriving me of what she would have wanted me to have. angry at myself, angry at my family, angry angry angry. ashamed. resentful. why didn't anyone step in to take care of me? why did everything have to continue? why couldn't the world just stop when she died, the way that it felt like my personal world stopped? the way I wanted it to stop when dru died those years ago. when ex-otter left me. grief and loss and solitude. constant companions, aren't they?

I don't know how to be friends with people.

I don't know.