I dream about a new life. about a life I've wanted yet never thought possible. I'm scared to hope. I've resigned myself to accepting less for so long that I'm not sure what to do now that options have appeared. I keep expecting them to go away. I keep thinking something tragic will happen and rob me of my hope, like how it's happened in the past.
I want to be loved and taken care of. I want to make art and not worry. I want to live somewhere near the water. I want to swim all year long. I want to smile in the winter. I want my past to not hurt because of how good the present is.
I want to have problems that get resolved and do not linger on. I want to be able to talk things out. I want to not feel guilty about playing video games or watching movies. I want to not feel guilty, period.
I daydream about living with Fig in his big house and his little pool. I think about my cat roaming around and lounging on the steps. I think about Fig and I traveling. I fantasize about making papier mache masks and creatures all day long, whenever I want. I tell myself over and over that I'm almost done school. but in the back of my mind, I find myself thinking that if my mom hadn't died, I'd already be done. better yet, I'd probably be on my last year of my MSW.
but my mom did die. and so I've had a lot more time with art instead of social work, and it shows. my passion gets poured into art instead of my studies. I am bored with class and find it difficult to participate. I'm just coasting through to finish.
I hope this new internship happens. I hope that being able to actually include art in my work with people will help. otherwise I'm going to feel a little lost and all this time would have been for nothing. all this debt to repay will weigh on me even heavier than it already does.
I just want to run away with Fig, and forget everything here except for my sister, her husband, and their kids.