it's coming out

sometimes it feels like I will never stop being bitter. being a social work student is the worst thing to be if you're trying to hide from your grief. one of my readings said something about how someone will avoid close relationships if they've recently suffered a loss. OH NO! THAT'S ME.
the only people I feel genuinely close to right now are fig and my sister. I am still so angry at shiny for leaving me when he did, and, more than that, for staying gone. I took the bus home today and saw someone with his build and hairstyle putting a bike on the front rack and for a moment I was terrified/excited with the thought that it might be him. then I realized that this person was far too short to be shiny. I'm sure there could be reasons for him being in Providence. there were before.
I am so angry, and sad, and I still feel so lost. and I have been avoiding these feelings for who knows how long. I hate that I miss shiny so much. I hate it. sometimes I forget his name, but I still remember the way his lips looked when he smiled, and the laugh lines around his eyes. I hate myself for it. I hate myself for missing him.
every relationship I end up in is lost in someone else's shadow. someone else's senseless shadow. shiny didn't care for me with even a fraction of the love that fig does. but shiny is so tied up in my mom's death that I can't feel the sting of one without being pricked by the other.
so when I badly miss my mom, I think I see shiny. and I get angry all over again.
her birthday is in a month from today. she would have been 61.
can't stop my heart from beating.
feels like I'm having a panic attack.
I need to sleep for a while.
I need to cry for longer.