let's talk about feelings

my roommate told me yesterday that he's moving out. "why are you crying?" he asked me. I don't know, let me think ...
because, other than the two days when we didn't talk, I've really loved living with him. he's fun and thoughtful and shares a mutual love with my cat. he makes me laugh and laughs with me, too. he's vegan and conserves energy and water and rides bikes and helps me fix mine. he's affectionate and doesn't stay up late. and until this happened, I thought he was pretty considerate.
but I know I felt this coming practically since he moved in. he never took his things out of the boxes. he talked of us moving to a different, cheaper place. he said that this place was too expensive for what it was. but he had no concrete proof of it. there was nothing to show the landlord. roommate is like that with a lot of things. he takes his opinion and presents it as truth. but it isn't true. for the area, our apartment is reasonably priced. maybe it could be a little less expensive, but I can't imagine it would be enough to change his mind.
because it's clear that this is something he decided a while ago. so I have not tried to convince him to stay. I don't want him to stay because I want him to. I want him to stay because he wants to. but he doesn't want to sign a lease. he said it scares him. he has commitment issues, I guess. he doesn't want to be tied to one place.
and I hate this. I hate that having him around has made me happier than I've been since before my mom died. since I was with shiny, and even that was only on the weekends.
I could talk to roommate, and he would talk to me, and we shared each other as freely as we shared our food and body warmth.
"are you mad at me?" "I don't know what to tell you. mad isn't the word." and that was the last conversation we had.
I don't think I have anything else to say.
things were getting better, and then they stopped. and every time I start to hope for a better life, it begins to fall apart. I can only hold onto so many things at once. I still have a paper to write to make up for last semester's illnesses, and I have reading to do for classes now, and I have bills to pay, and things to remember, and I guess it's up to me all the time to visit the people that want to see me instead of the other way around ...
why the fuck can't things be simple?
why the fuck can't things work out, and then STAY that way?
I am so tired of this.
the only thing I can depend on is that people will only ever do what is best for themselves, no matter who it hurts.
that is what the past few years have taught me.

a memory or three

the people that I used to miss; I don't hate them the way that I once did. they are gone, gone, gone, so gone that I can't remember what it was like to watch them talk. they are gone and the shape of their upper lip doesn't kill me the way it used to.
but I wonder, I mean, do you wonder? do you wonder if something of that still remains?
I think it does, because the times when I glimpse them, this person, these people, I still feel that shock to my chest like a defibrillator gone astray. and I hope that they go somewhere else. and I hope I never see them again. because too much of that kind of reaction could probably short me out for good.
sometimes I think I should only fall for people that live out of state.
that way I don't have to run the risk of a heart attack just from some chance meeting.
that way I don't have to die just because someone didn't want me the way I wanted them.

didn't mean it, never meant to

I have been dreaming and I wish I could forget. dreams about my mom's husband acting as though everything were fine between us. a dream where my mom is dead one minute, then alive and buying me thrift store trombones the next. a familiar pool (familiar in my dreams, not in the waking world) where I take my niece and her friend to swim. I dream of my family and half-family and I wish I could wake up to someone that would listen as I recount these images.
I had a fight with my roommate and I'm not sure how it all happened. I thought he was acting possessive and jealous and it got all blown out of proportion. and he talked to me in a way to which I've become unaccustomed. He used "should" and made accusations. I forgot that people do that. he told me I was too sensitive. I told him he was rigid. I got pissed and slammed my door and we've barely talked for over 24 hours. I think we've made eye contact twice.
this is so dumb. it reminds me of the fights I'd have with ex-otter. it makes me miss shiny a lot. he was so damn logical. he would listen to what I had to say, consider it carefully, and then respond dispassionately. but he never offered anything more than that.
I cried last night because I missed shiny. and because I know that things with my roommate have now irrevocably changed. we have stopped being kind to each other. we have stopped sharing.
we have another roommate moving in this weekend. what is going to happen?
I know I should feel more about this than I do. I'm just not sure how to go about knocking out the numbness.
and in other news, ex-otter texted me by accident today. awesome.

whisper my name

yesterday I wore my teapot shirt and told my roommate of its origin. as I mentioned the woman who gave it to me, someone older than my mother was, I got a little teary. I found a logical stopping point and I retreated to my bedroom and began to cry.
he asked me if I was ok. "yes. are you ok?" "yeah. are you crying?" "yes." and he came in and held me.
"why are you crying?"
"I miss my mom."
and I felt stupid for crying, for being 29 and crying, like tears are something you get to stop leaking after a while. but it doesn't end. you're never too old for sobbing and honestly, 29 still sounds awfully young to me.
I didn't tell him that I missed shiny, and that was part of crying too. I'm not sure how much I really miss him and how much is just wrapped up in my mom. "sometimes I just can't believe she's dead." and I felt stupid. stupid for not being able to accept death. sudden death.
this just feels so wrong. it always feels wrong. there is no order or logic or anything. for so long, I have wanted to believe that there were reasons behind things. I needed that kind of strained faith to continue. but it's all in tatters now.
I still look for reasons, but the attempt rings hollow.
I still look for reasons, but I can't make myself believe them anymore.

no more short cuts

lately every day feels like sunday. like I'm on the verge of something getting ready to start. not start, like I'm waiting for something to end. like something is about to end.
things are going to change soon. everything will be different. whatever "everything" is.
melancholy like a blanket. I don't want to cover myself in it, but I'm so cold and it's the only thing around. dreams last night outlining my anxiety and reminding me of stress. being late, being lost, relying on other people, missing shiny, missing my mom, missing my family. the threat of turning into something else. gifts that I wasn't expecting and can't just toss aside. guilt.
I don't know why I get myself into these things. just to feel, I suspect.
sure beats cutting.

don't

summer seems so long ago. so simple and naive. I had all my plans laid out before me. love was in my hands. my future was clear.
I
knew
everything.

and then my mom died.

and then everything else died, too.

I am so angry. I'm angry at my mom for not trying harder with me. I'm angry at her friends and her husband for only seeing a narrow-sighted view of the situation. I'm angry with my sister because every time I want to tell her that I miss our mom, it feels like some kind of competition. I know she doesn't view it that way. but this is why I relate so well to her younger daughter. I know how she feels.
oh yes, I have always been sensitive. I know the long road ahead of my niece. I wish I could save her from it. but I can't. I just hope I can be there when she needs someone.
but ...

I remember the summer, and how it felt to feel like I was where I was supposed to be. things have shifted pretty badly since then. lately I've been missing my mom so much that it's been hard not to cry all the time. and I doubt everything that I feel. is it the medication? is this real?
it's hard not having her to call anymore.
angry.

angry at my friends for not being what I needed. angry at myself for not being stronger. angry at myself for feeling. for not feeling. sad and sad. confused. I miss shiny, and I know again that it's wound tightly in missing my mom. it will be a relief when I can separate the two. it will be a relief when I can miss one without thinking of the other.

don't lie to me.
just tell me you never really cared.

not it

feel my
heart beat
like a panic attack slowly sneaking up on me.
taste this staleness in my mouth. a hunger I won't feed.
and in my head, your memory ricochets. it bruises my brain and makes my head ache. it won't slow down. it just goes until it breaks.
or until I can numb the pain with someone else.
you don't call or write. you left me. you left me so completely and I let you leave this time. I let you stay gone. no matter how I seemed to run the show, it was always you making all the choices. lowest common denominator. you were the one with the power.
I was just fooling myself. you let me make the decisions about what we did, but you always decided where the relationship was going.
apparently, no where.
I cannot contain this bitterness.
I cannot forget your face.

less disjointed than it sounds

I want to feel like something matters. like I matter. like someone matters to me. like I matter to someone.
I am reasonably content for now. but I don't feel much for anyone. I ache for shiny, and I despise it because I know the feeling isn't mutual. I miss his gentle smile. I miss his tenderness, even if it was just a show for me and not really felt by him.
I don't feel much of anything anymore.
I miss my mom. sometimes I cry. I cuddle with my roommate and I stretch to feel his fingers slide across my skin, but I don't feel much beyond the topical. I enjoy the time I spend with him, but it isn't love. I knew I loved shiny two weeks into us being together. that's usually how things work for me. I have been in love many times. and I love other people, but they are only friends. there is a distinction for me, and it's not just physical.
that's something I never understood about shiny. it seemed like all love was the same for him, just with different layers. but I can't be emotionally intimate until I've been physically intimate. shiny I don't think can be emotionally intimate ever.
why does it matter?
why do I miss him so much?
I'm not alone or lonely. I've been social the past few weeks. I've had my roommate's company. why do I long for a partner?
I want to be content while single. I want to not need that connection.
I want to be complete.
fuck.
I really miss my mom.
I don't think I would have talked to her about this, but honestly, I really don't know.

it's time.
time to sleep. time to let go.
time to move on.
but mostly, it's time to sleep.

hey, it's just how I do it

last night I had a dream that I saw shiny. he was dating some new girl. someone he knew from CA. I could see that happening. seems like he's stuck there and in those people. it's funny, considering how loathe he is to think about the past (or the present or the future).
I hadn't been missing him much until today. I would rather not have dreamed about him. did you know that it's been nearly a year since I first met him? I can't believe it.
this year has already been better than 2010. I don't have a painful illness. I have a roommate that's around. the weather has been manageable (so far). I remembered to call for my niece's birthday. a lot of people have been wanting to hang out with me. I've been making things. I'm not stressed, though there is plenty to stress about.
but a part of me craves the quiet happiness I felt with shiny. it wasn't as good as I remember it to be. I know that much. I didn't like his inability to initiate communication. and I hated how beautiful things were that last weekend he came to see me. the weekend before thanksgiving, when he felt open and comfortable and exciting in ways he hadn't been before.
sometimes I hate him with a ferocity that makes my heart feel as though it's going to stop beating.
he restricted me on facebook. so I unfriended him. no word from him, just a sudden lack of access. not that I can blame him, really. but I hate how he loved me and then left. I hate so many people for having done that. it gets hard to forgive when the wound is still so fresh.
and he gets to pretend like I didn't exist, right?
oh, my ache of self-pity.
oh, woe is me, and my misery.
what a load of shit.

nights are the worst. they always have been. they are when I am alone and give myself time to think of these things. the time before I fall asleep, when it's just the darkness and me and all my thoughts to keep me company. this is the time when shiny used to call. this exact time. right now.
and I hate him for not calling now. and I hate him for everything he did and didn't do. there is no winning now. there is only loss.

shrug it off.
knock it off.
I trade kisses with my new roommate now. how much does that mean? I don't know. I take a different kind of comfort there. we have scant weeks before a third moves in, before my schedule is suddenly crushed by school and work, before all the stress comes hammering in on me. before everything changes.
how do we weather the weather we've never seen before?
there is no advice that can be given.
oh, take it one day at a time?
how the hell else can you take it?

shiny, if you're listening -- an apology would do nicely.

but only if it's done with understanding.

another suitable mental image

ever feel like taking a rusted corkscrew and spiraling it into your chest so you can impale your heart on its point and rip it out, leaving only a blood-spattered gaping hole behind? all arteries and veins dangling, fragmented bone poking out, and the lungs heavily panting as you examine your prize? the most scarred and broken part of your body, finally laid bare for you to see. finally you can discover what all the lamenting has been about. finally you can get some peace.
but there is no peace. the heart just keeps beating. and the hole throbs and aches in loneliness. blood pools and spills and makes a bigger mess of everything. how to react? how to reply? what to respond?
so much loss.
and there is no one to clean it up. no one to help. just you, and your dying prize, holding onto every breath. it is useless except to remind you of the pain. feels like its entire existence revolves around that. you are left with this wretched, twisted thing. left with a horrendous mess of your own doing. what were you thinking? why even bother trying to understand? why did you want to know what shape the scars made? what picture it would create? did you think the finely scattered lines could teach you something? did you think they would be like life lines, love lines, fate lines? did you want to read your heart like a palm? some scars as thick as a finger, others as delicate as spider webs. all of them painful. all with memories.

forget it. forget them. forgive? forgive. but how to forget? put the heart back, with the new future scar you gave it. the gaping, oozing wound. put it back, sew it up, pretend you never searched for something more. pretend you were content to just let it all lay where it fell. pretend you had some say in every thing that happened, and all the pain it caused.
because no one will ever understand why it was so important that you tried to understand. least of all you.
all that mess. just to understand.
you're all you've got.
you and that messy, useless, bleeding thing inside your chest.
you are alone.
don't ever forget that.

moving right along

another night alone in my bed. par for the course. though last night chick was here and we were drunk and loud and in the morning I saw my new roommate (yet unnamed!) and asked if we had woken him up the previous night. "you didn't wake me up, but I did wake up and hear you." and it was awkward. and I asked him why he felt uncomfortable. "I don't know."
sure, he couldn't verbalize it, but I know why.
look, there's this intense mutual attraction. and we both suck at keeping it under wraps. I think it will be easier now that he heard chick and I having sex. I think he'll distance himself more. but I want him. chick is my friend and sometimes we have sex. but it doesn't really mean anything. our friendship supersedes the sex, which is something I've never had with anyone before. but I'm not going to cease having sex just because my roommate gets uncomfortable. not if the reason he's uncomfortable is because he wants to be the one fucking me.
if the reason is because he finds loud sex to be distasteful, then I will be happy to give him some earplugs.
I have plenty.
I hope he and I get to talk about this. I was hoping he'd be home tonight, but apparently he's staying at someone else's house tonight. I wonder if he did it because he thought chick would be here again.
last thing I need in my life is another guy that sucks at talking about his feelings and who is lacks assertion when it comes to problem resolution.
but, well, I'll still have a roommate. so there is that.
I'd just rather have him be more than that.