On a train

When I miss him, it feels like I'm betraying myself. I can't pinpoint the reasons he pops into my head and I can't get rid of him once he is there. I am stuck with an uneasy feeling. Or maybe I am just stuck.
I  find myself wondering how he would have dealt with certain situations. People told me he was boring, but he wasn't. He never embarrassed me or himself. He was solid and steady and I hate thinking about him. We haven't talked for so long. So why does this still happen?
Fig worries that I am not happy with him. That isn't true. I'm just a different kind of happy with him. I don't look forward to things the way that I used to and I don't get excited the way that I used to. It's hard. I imagine it's because I don't want to get excited about something that might not happen. I don't trust much anymore, except that plans don't pan out and just because something is for the best that doesn't mean it feels good.