10 July 2011
working through it
last night I dreamed that I was in a mental ward again. it wasn't a locked one, like the one I was in when I was 18. we were sent home to be with our families every night, and had the option of staying with them over the weekend. I was immensely comforted by being in the ward and I didn't want to be released. I enjoyed seeing my family for a few hours a day, but it was always a relief to return to the ward. this is basically opposite of how things were for me in real life.
my first weekend out, I was amazed to find that we were allowed to stay overnight. shiny and his two female roommates happened to be visiting the house where I was. I bad-mouthed him and he was actually kind of a jerk back to me. we all went out to dinner but his roommate picked a place shiny and I couldn't eat, so we left. but again, his roommate kept leading us around even though she wasn't familiar with Providence. I was frustrated by her, and by shiny.
I can imagine why I had this dream. I have been feeling overwhelmed by figuring out things in my life, so of course I'd hearken back to the time in my life when everything else was decided for me (even though I was only in the ward for three days when I was 18). and I have been thinking a lot about shiny lately, as I inevitably reminisce on previous relationships as I get close to someone new. I took a long bike ride yesterday and it reminded me of last summer and all the riding shiny and I used to do together. my relationship with fig is very different. I loved being active with shiny. I loved riding around boston or providence, playing soccer or basketball or kickball or whatever. I liked that he was athletic and genius and artistically creative. but he wasn't able to care the way that fig does. it wouldn't occur to him to bring me chocolate or make something for me. he wouldn't ask me how my exam went, or remind me to call him after an important meeting. he didn't check up on me or ask how my day was.
and, when I think about it, the things I liked so much about shiny are pretty ephemeral. a couple years ago they would not have mattered that much to me. but the things I like about fig are things that have always been important to me, and I imagine always will be.
communication. affection. initiation. caring. concern. imagination. humour.
and he thinks it's funny when I harass him.
the dream I had last night initially left me unsettled. but I feel better about things now. I have been worried for my future and my inability to embrace it. but things are falling into place now. I have a place to live (I just have to pack, oh god), a possible internship at a place that I already know I love (I just have to pursue it and follow through, oh god), a loving sister and her family, and a loving partner (that lives far away, oh god). So yes, there are solutions, and those solutions bring their own breed of "oh god," but overall I feel the balance that I seek. I don't believe there can be good without bad, though I prefer for the good to be the heavier side of things.