like a gossamer thread

I have dreams where he tells me that he loves me. or where I tell him. usually, in my dream, I am drunk or fucked up when I tell him. when he tells me, it's by text.
I'm not sure why I dream about these things. I don't need to hear it and I don't need to say it.
the more comfortable he gets with me, the more I like him. that's what I know right now.
and I am trying to let go of these barriers that have been erected by my defense mechanisms. it's hard. it's so hard. a few times I've noticed myself start to close and I put my foot in the jamb before the door can shut. it hurts, it always hurts, and it's terrifying, but I am trying.
I am so tired of feeling lonely because I stopped letting people in.
because when I let my guard down, they leave.
I want to believe that there is someone that will stay.
but I have to accept that there may never be.
it's that delicate balance between faith and reality.
it's the blurred line between want and need.

it's the distance between who I was, who I am, and who I will be.