remember the reminder: things can get better. things can get worse.

I can't remember how he put it, just that he said I had the ability to make anyone cry with my words. I don't know how true that is, but I know that the rawness of the explanation of my emotion can still make me cry, even three years later. maybe even ten years later.
there are times when I read myself and I am overwhelmed by the sadness I express, and the confusion, and how straight-forwardly lost I am. those questions that I asked, those questions that I lived, they never got answered. I just moved onto new ones. time came and took away the old ones. they weren't answered. they were buried.
I don't feel as intensely as I used to. and I don't want to. I am so much more cautious, even though I try to push that away. A part of me has been lost through grief and I don't think it can be recovered. I'm not sure if I'd even want to. All it ever did was get me in trouble. All it did was leave me crying in a shower. but it's part of what I was, and that is enough to mourn its loss.
there are times when it feels like much of my adult life has revolved around sadness. it is a safe place to be because you can only go up. optimism is terrifying because a fall is not just possible, it's inevitable. but wallowing in sadness is also a self-fulfilling prophecy. the longer you let yourself stay there, the more likely it is that you will never leave.

the horrible thing is that it's hardest to see how depression keeps you down when you're stuck firmly within it, and that is the time when you most badly need to know.

I am always sad. I will probably always be sad. but it isn't the only thing that I feel. I have felt intense love and happiness and desire. I have been proud and excited and screamingly joyous. to think that I will ever live a depression-free life is naive, and there will be times when it completely engulfs me, but that doesn't have to be daily.
there are a lot of people that have left me that I have spent a lot of time missing. lately I've realized, though, that I don't like those people very much. maybe it's the sour grapes phenomenon, or maybe they're just not worth it.

I could use words to make them cry. but I think you have to care about someone in order for the tears to come.
and if any of those people cared about me, they would still be around.