happy mother's day.
I got much of my crying out of the way on thursday.
so I guess that's something.

this was one of two days a year my mom could count on hearing from me. the other one was her birthday. I am certain that there were times in my life where I didn't call her on these days. I wasn't always a very good daughter. that's ok, though, because she wasn't always the best mom. but, as mom goes, she was at least attentive and made time for me.
at some point I withdrew from much of my family and stopped hearing from them. I frequently felt bad about myself for being a college drop-out. I felt like an inconvenience for being vegan. I didn't feel like I could be open or straight-forward with my family, so I avoided them instead.
after dru died, I got closer to my mom.
after my mom died, I got closer to my sister.

with each loss, we find some kind of gain. sure, there's balance. but that doesn't add up to a mother.