feel the fear and embrace it?

scared of becoming dependent. dependent on someone over a thousand miles away? it wouldn't be the first time.
I've never been someone's fetish before. at least, no one that told me. it's a weird kind of compliment, being dissected by specific obsessions. would he still want me if I had different hair? would he still love me if my breasts were removed?
it's strange to think that ten years ago I was disgusted by having breasts. I didn't like for them to be touched, even as recently as five years ago. I felt disconnected from them. I still do, a little. I do not feel wholly female and I don't think I ever will. It wasn't until I was with Von that I felt complete. so it's strange to me that I keep dating men, when it was with a woman that I felt the most comfortable.
I can't help who I'm attracted to, and who I attract. so I just go with it. I try not to discriminate. but I still miss women. and I'm wondering where that will lead me.
Fig wants to work toward monogamy, and I do too. but how can I be monogamous when part of me always longs to be with women? when I'm with one gender, I desire the other. I can never turn it off. I want both.
I am both, to some extent. it's just that the dominance shifts. right now I feel ok being female. I like having breasts, and I like being femininely attractive. but what happens when things shift again? it wasn't that long ago that I was researching breast reduction and even removal. I was seriously considering it, to the point that I'd had discussions with my ex-husband and looked up surgeons. if I'd had the money at the time, or been backed by health insurance, maybe I'd be flat-chested by now.
probably not.
after all, I do like the attention that being curvy brings. when I choose to show it, that is. it's been fun to be an obsession and to fit a fetish. I just don't know if that kind of attraction has the ability to last.
and I am always scared of losing what I have come to cherish.
because it has happened so many times before.