who's listening?

two guys today that made my heart almost beat. one at whole foods. he was ringing up my food. the other one at the bike rack. he had a bike and was singing to himself. not my type, so to speak, but maybe the other guy was.
and I found myself thinking, "why let yourself get worked up over a guy? it's women you should be pursuing, not these men that will only misunderstand you and break your heart." and besides, in this town people don't make the first move with me. I have to do all the work.
so fucking frustrating.
haven't heard from shiny. oh well. big surprise there. I guess it's time I let go of that. it's hard, though, since he was with me when my mom died. since he held me at 2am when I was sobbing over her. since he was so many thing I wanted.
hard to be alone. hard to be here, alone. another friday night and I stayed at home. I could have gone out. I could have. but I didn't. so sick of people. so sick of not being around people.
tired. just tired. mostly of everything.
I need hope to come back to me. I need it to come back and stay.