a new year stalks me

once upon a time, I had a five year plan. I would finish school, marry ex-otter, and we would move to oregon. roughly in that order. but things change, and people die, and some move on, and others linger. resolutions are made, and when followed through, can hurt.
and that's how I found out ex-otter and deafgirl got married.
I think back on my predictions and I just don't care. they should be happy, right? they aren't bad people just because I got hurt two years ago. if every person that hurt someone else was "bad," then this world would be populated by monsters.
huh.
I'm a monster, too.
I made a resolution to forgive the people that I felt had abandoned me. ex-otter is one of those people. I feel like I should be more sad than I am, but what's the point? holding a grudge is exhausting and self-defeating. it's so hard for me to let go; to let go of people, to let go of pain, to let go of anger, to let go of anything. but I'm so tired. tired of carrying this around with me.
in the end, it's all just people doing what's best for themselves. it's just that sometimes other people get in the way of the battering ram. hearts get broken. heads get muddled. insanity ensues.
I don't think he ever realized how much he hurt me, and to him it's all in the past. it's old news. but I still feel it. I remember.
to everyone that said they'd stay, then left, I forgive you.
to everyone that I left behind, for whatever reason, I forgive you.
to everyone that wouldn't fight for me, I forgive you.
to everyone that lied, I forgive you.
to everyone that left without explanation, I forgive you.
to everyone that felt too uncomfortable to talk to me, I forgive you.
to everyone, everywhere, I forgive you.

I want to start this year out right. There are a lot of people that won't let me reach out to them, and I forgive them too. I've done what I can do. I've made mistakes. I can't do anything but move on.
no matter how wronged I feel.
no matter how much I hurt.
life continues.
I must continue with it.

just getting it together

my friends always try to put shiny down, and I don't know why I continue to defend him. he isn't a bad person. he isn't malicious. he's one of the most intelligent people I know. seeing pictures of him or having him randomly mentioned still sends a twinge through my gut. I feel ragingly jealous when I think about him being happy without me, or having fun with someone else, or other such things. petty on my part.
but other than that, I don't feel much of anything anymore.
for anyone.
I have a crush on my new roommate, which is awkward but manageable. nobody knows. well, now you do. but I haven't actually talked to anyone about it. the sudden influx of interest people were showing in me died out as quickly as it came, and every one of those people was a flop. so yeah, it makes me miss shiny, but I wouldn't miss him as much if there was someone else to take his place.
that's what I tell myself. and sometimes it's true. and sometimes it's because of stupid shit: like how he was intuitively good at playing lego star wars. or his smile. or how he'd stroke my arm. or just how goddamn clever he was.
but it also feels like I make myself miss him, just for something to feel. an explanation for my emptiness, when really it's just always been there. I've never been happy solo. let's be honest here; I've never been happy at all.
I miss our bike rides. so what? I don't miss how shitty he was at communication, or starting conversation. I don't miss wondering the emotional walls he built all around himself. I don't miss the slump of his shoulders (especially when we were having sex) or how passionless he was about everything.
but ... how much does this matter anymore?
he hasn't initiated any contact with me since the last time I saw him. he hasn't responded to my last few attempts. he uses his interpretation of my words as an excuse to not talk to me. claims it's what he thinks I want, even though I haven't said that (and have, in fact, said the total opposite). and I wonder why I waste time thinking about this. and I wonder why it matters so much.
I guess because I really enjoyed the time I spent with him. and when we were together, there was no where else I wanted to be. in the past, that has been hard for me to find.
but things change, right?
I get angry at people for acting like people don't change, but here I am acting like I haven't changed. like because I used to let my eye wander, my devotion to shiny will never be found with someone else. but it happened once. it can happen again.
maybe I have changed.
I guess that's what I wanted. mutual devotion.
adoration.
joy.

I want right place, right person, right time.
I want the planets to align.

I want to find my little piece of forever.
I want faith.
I want love.

or lacking that, I want to be content with myself and being single.

just sayin'

miss you more than it makes sense
and I'm ashamed, I'm ashamed.
got my guts all twisted up
can't undo this mess.
now there's someone new that I can't touch
and it's painful every day.
I miss the quiet that you brought,
the stillness to my heart,
the way the beating ceased
for anyone but you.

you kept me safe
and have no idea
how deep your disservice runs.

and I have no idea
what it has been like for you
to love and not love me,
to be loved and hated
by me.

I am sorry, too.

it still hurts

if I was gonna be honest, I'd have to say that I still wish I'd hear from shiny.
I still feel sick from missing him. I still don't understand. and some part of me still wants him to call me and woo me and want me. some part of me still wants him more than anyone else.
and I want him to apologize, and explain that he realizes his behavior was fucked up and hurtful. I want to know what he was thinking and I want to know what he thinks now. but I know it doesn't matter and I should just let go again. I should forget about him.
it's so hard, though, when everyone else is even more disappointing than he was.
the fact remains that I love him.
but other facts remain, too.
you know, all the ones that keep him away from me.
the ones that are doing it now.
I get so melancholy.
I wish he was everything he seemed like he'd be.
I wish he was everything he let me believe.

when the changes cancel each other out, is that spectrum analysis too?

I know I should go to sleep but I just don't want to yet.
I scrubbed the ink from my fingers with a nail brush. I didn't need to, I just wanted to see if I could. I kept finding residue amid the lines of my hands. every time I thought I'd got it all, I would find more. small stamps of the passage of black. tiny memories in my cuticle bed. still nothing compared to the mess I left on the plastic over the table. a whole swampland of india ink.
for some reason, I have really been missing shiny this evening. this morning. it's always worst at night, in my bed, alone. the day is fine. but I still find myself bringing him up.
"I'm done with him," I told anu. "you've said that before."
"but this time is different. I've probably said that before, too. but I mean it."
how different is different?
well, I have a date tomorrow.
that's pretty different.
I want someone who thinks I'm more than cute and will tell me. I want someone who feels inspired by me. and will tell me. I want someone who loves to look at me (and will tell me). I want someone who likes my brain and how it works [and will tell me]. Do you see what I'm getting at? communicate the adoration, not just feel it.
I still miss him, and I hate it, but it gets easier the longer I go without hearing from him. The longer it goes with no response.
I'm simultaneously angry and sad. complacent and rebellious.
I don't chase people anymore, right?
it just ... I guess it stopped being worth it.
and there is so much more to love than the pursuit.
there is so much more to a relationship than waiting to see not when, but if the other person will call.
he was such a jerk to me.
he was such a jerk, and I knew it, and I just hoped it would change.
but I need to accept that what he could give me is not what I need.
I know what I was thinking by getting into all of it.
What I still don't understand
is what was he thinking?

that's the cruelest part of all:
why'd he have to drag me down, too?
and why the hell did I let him?

I let hope run me into the ground. Now I have to ride it back up.
how can good things turn out to be so bad?
how can bad things lead to such good?
I don't know, I don't know, but they do.

just sayin'

life has improved by leaps and bounds since I gave up on him.
I wish I'd done it sooner.

just some observations

when it came to sex, shiny and I fit together well. it felt nice. but it was rarely passionate on his side and it wasn't the best I'd ever had. it could have been. it is what I think I about when I want to get off, but that's because I loved him.
what makes sex really exceptional is how comfortable a person is with their own body, with the other person's body, and how excited they are about having sex. shiny had the comfort but not the excitement. he touched me the way I wanted to be touched, he moved against me well, and inside of me well, but he lacked excitement.
seems like his life, really. at least his life since I've known him. he has the actions down, but lacks all the emotion necessary to make it all worthwhile.
I meditate on this because it is my bane.
furthermore, it is no longer my problem ...
if it ever really was my problem at all.

those who seek the easy way are rarely satisfied with the result.
but good luck making them see that.

hey, who knows?

feels like another one of those nights where sleep will elude me. I'll just lay in bed and stare at the dark and wonder why the fuck I can't sleep ...
and I'll think about shiny
and I'll think about every other man that has hurt me
and I'll think about my friends that are no longer friends
and every mistake that I have made
and every action I wish I could take back
and it won't matter.
I won't sleep.
and when I finally do, it will last for twelve hours
and feel like only two.

Or maybe I'll just fall asleep immediately and it will be awesome.

it is in my brain now, can't take it out

it's the end of days and I wonder "how much do you miss me?"
each day that goes by without your name makes it easier and easier to let go. some said that it takes half the time you were together to get over someone. but that's such bullshit. we have been apart as long as we were together and only now do I feel ready to say goodbye.
and my exes, the other exes, it's pretty much the same for them. so those years I spent trying to forgive myself for all my transgressions ... I guess they do eventually pay off.
cat on my lap and did I mention that I think you might be a robot? yeah, I want to say hurtful things but as soon as they come to my brain now I wonder "why bother." so I don't bother. I don't bother anymore. not today, at least. there's not much to miss about you anymore that I couldn't just dream about anyway.
I don't feel much of anything right now.
your freckles, eyes, and lips. your hands, smile, and kiss. it doesn't matter that much anymore. they don't matter like they used to. I found them once and I suppose I can find it all in someone else, if that's something I feel like doing.
never trust anything sudden.
I'm sure I'll want you badly again in a couple of days, but right now I'm just glad to think you're a jerk that has no idea how to love.

bury me

I don't know why I twist myself around like this. I feel so lost and alone so much of the time. today I finally sold some masks. today i started the finishing process of the one that was going to be my halloween mask. today I watched a show on my laptop and paint-paint-painted and I felt the sense of comfort that I used to revel in when school had first started and I had weird breaks in my days that let me come home in between classes and work. I would come home and hang out with my cat and work on masks and eat food and be alone in a way that I liked.
I don't remember anymore what it's like to have close friends. I don't remember what it's like to spend a platonic day with someone that doesn't ever get on my nerves.
I can still remember what it's like to love without hurt, even though that's not my situation anymore.
I liked things being uncomplicated.
well, I guess things aren't very complicated anymore, anyway.
I just hate how, for a brief period, I thought things would be good again. and I was imagining how my life would be, how I'd be seeing shiny again and he and chick would get to meet and I dunno. I was figuring out how it would all work. now I don't have to worry about that or anything, really. I don't have to worry about anyone.
chick spent the weekend in my bed and we didn't touch and I liked it that way. we cuddled a little. he made me food. he took care of me and it was nice to have the company but it somehow made me miss shiny more. I wish I could combine the two of them. all chick's compassion and all shiny's calm.
I don't know. I don't know anymore. I don't know anything anymore.

the sky is falling

"end love" by okgo is my latest obsession. the lyrics speak too perfectly for me to ignore. it's all so relevant. shiny's not calling and he hasn't replied to my email (you know ... the one where I called him a failure. I wasn't expecting a reply, but I still hoped) but I still posted the song to his facebook, along with the lyrics.
I don't think I have anything else to say to him. I don't miss him like I used to. all I want to do all the time is tell him how much he's hurt me and how sad I am.
because the way he treated me wasn't fair. how he extended his hand to me at the stop lights, like I used to do to him when we were together? the way he held me and how he bought me ice cream? why did he cuddle up to me if all we are is friends? I don't treat my friends like that. I don't think he does either.
I want to smash his head against a brick wall until he breaks and sees what it is that he was doing. until his own wall breaks and he finally understands.
until he actually feels, you know?
until he knows what it is to want. he wants to want. and I want to make him. I want him to want me to stop hurting. and I want him to do something about it.
and I don't think he will.
and I don't think there's much left to say.

a letter I can't send

dear mom,
I bet you would be surprised to find out how often I think about you and how much I miss you, considering how little we talked previous to dru dying two years ago. even after that, I still wasn't consistent with my calling. to be fair, though, you gave up on me too. I don't think people ever got to hear that side of things. people look at me as the negligent daughter, but not you as the negligent mother. after all, you called my sister every day. you rarely called me.
but mom, I don't hold it against you too much. you were always closer to her. I've always been a little distant from everyone, I guess. I always felt a little out of place no matter where I was. and I hated feeling guilty and calling you always reminded me of how long it had been since last we'd talked. and things had been so bad with me for so long ... I just didn't want to call until I had something good to say. and when I did, I would call, and I would tell you.
the thing is, I thought about you a lot before you died, too. you have never been far from me. there have always been daily reminders. I wish that I had told you that when you could have appreciated it. I wish I would have touched you more, and told you more, and been a more attentive daughter. but I wasn't. and now it's too late.
that isn't what I wanted to say, though. I wanted to say that there are times in my head that I wish I was still in the hospital with you, just so I could talk to you. so I could soothe you. I wasn't there enough either. all my life, I've always felt like I was lacking and like I wasn't doing enough. it confuses me when people tell me that I push myself too hard or I expect too much of myself because to me, I'm never doing enough. I'm never at the peak of my potential.
I wish I'd been more patient with you.
I wish I could be more patient with myself. with everyone.
for so many years I didn't feel like I could have a real relationship with you. I am so glad that I was eventually able to, even if it wasn't long enough. I really needed you right before you died, but I never got the chance to talk to you about it. I never got to tell you about my old boss that had died. because then you died, less than a month later.
I think about you being in the hospital. I think about being there with you. I think about how much things have changed in the six months since then. this is still so hard to handle. I have withdrawn more from everyone than I have ever done before in my life. mom, why?
every time I left, I thought you would be getting better. I thought I'd come back to improvement. but no. I think it's better this way for you, but it fucking sucks for the rest of us.
I guess what I wanted to do was say that I miss you and I wish I was still around you and I'm sorry I wasn't a better daughter.
I love you, so very very much.
I wish I'd worked harder at making that clear.

it isn't poetry, just disjointed like it was in my brain

I can be cruel
but my cruelty is intentional
unlike some people
who lead me on
because they felt inspired
by a comic book.

inspired to believe in love
that they cannot actually feel
just because it seemed
like a good idea
at the time.

I used the phrase:
"miserable and alone and basically a failure"
and felt bad about it
but not bad enough
to not hit send.

everyone that hurts me
gets hurt in return.
sometimes I get to do the hurting.
sometimes they do it themselves.
and sometimes,
just sometimes,
it's a combination of the two.

the worst part about hurting someone is not knowing the pain you have caused.
I bleed from every wound I've ever inflected on someone else.
I punish myself more soundly than anyone could ever punish me.
and in the end, it still doesn't matter.

I would have made a great martyr.

sometimes I wonder if he doesn't have it right by doing the coward thing, the emotionless thing, the alone thing. sometimes I wonder if his way of living isn't better. never looking ahead, never looking behind, just being where you are. making the same mistakes over and over and over ... I can do that anyway, even with the fore- and hind-sight.
I just want to grow into someone better. be part of something bigger.
I can't seem to stop getting hung up on these little stupid things.

sometimes I hate myself so much that it's tangible.

tired of being clever

I guess what surprises me most
is how surprised I was.
I let my guard down. because he fucked me, I thought that meant he wanted me. every man I have been with has somehow managed to disappoint me by thinking with his dick. I always think they're different, that this will be the one to break the mold. I always end up wrong.

I wrote this in the art center, just before my bike ride home: I brought you presents
you broke my heart
I said "I love you"
you said "I know"
you once consumed me
now I dribble down your chin
unnoticed
unwanted
unsure.

He bought me a movie ticket. he bought me food. I told him that I hated him. he actually looked hurt.
I am doing that thing my sister said I do. I have put up a wall and have cut myself off from my emotions until I'm in a place where I can deal with them. Sometimes that's minutes. sometimes it's years.
"your inability to think ahead never ceases to amaze me." I was so mean to him, almost every chance I could get. but they were true things. they were all true things.
he takes it. he always takes it, with that mona lisa expression. never can tell what he's thinking. hard to know when he doesn't, either.
so angry. so hurt.
I feel my brain's blockade go up.
I need better than this. I need passion, and foresight, and initiatory openness. someone who will talk about sex. someone who notices the freckles on my eyelids. he told me that I'm not pretty. I'm cute. and I resent that.
I hate his eyes because I loved to look at them. I hate his stupid sooty eyelashes and how soft they were. I hate the lines in his irises and how they bisected each other and how distracted I would get by them. I hate his lips and their fullness. his slightly meso-american features. I hate them. I hate his long thin fingers and the way they'd dance across me. I hate his playfulness. I hate his obedience. I hate his goddamn freckles and the way they lay across him like galaxies. I hate his strong legs and his ribcage and everything else I'll never touch again. I hate the way he kissed me because it was better than everyone else, ever.

but really I hate that he wasn't willing to do as much for me as I was for him.
I hate that he didn't want to share everything with me like I wanted to with him. every inconsequential event of my life. every drawing, every dream, every drama. and I wanted him by my side for everything.
I hate him for not wanting me the way that I wanted him.
I hate him for letting me think, even for the briefest of moments, that he could.
I hate him for being close to, but not quite, perfect.

and behind it all, I know it's not that I hate him. I hate me. I hate that I need someone to share myself with. I hate that nobody that I want, wants me. I hate all my self-pity and how little good it does. it's gotten me nowhere good.
and I don't do what I say I'll do
and I just disappoint myself
and I'm unreliable
and mostly I just wish I could die and leave the water un-rippled.

but I can't.

twisted like knotted rags

I try to hide how stuck on him I am. I don't try very hard, but it's definite that no one knows how often I really think about him.
here's the answer: all the time.
everything I want to do, I want to do with him beside me. it's been a long time since I've felt so cemented to someone, especially when it's not expressed to be mutual. it's been a while since I've wanted to be around someone more than they seem to want to be around me.
I use these indefinite terms because I'm still not sure how he feels. the depths of me maintain that he does want me and all of me. but I can't ever listen fully to that voice. I can't give up my skepticism. if I do, then I'll be lost completely. if I do, then I open myself up again to so much hurt.
and we're not together anyway.
I'm not just a friend to him.
no matter how hard he tries to believe that.