someday you'll remember

I can't fucking sleep. thinking about just staying up all night and sleeping on my little train/bus hops. we'll see.
I'm not wracked with worries. not consciously, at least. sure, I have them. money (always money, doesn't matter how much I have, I'm always worried about it), finding roommates, my health, my back, getting my meds, my attitude, how much I've changed since my mom died (and how it hasn't all been for the better), my brother's increasing emotional distance from me and how much it sucks, shiny ... of course.
and there's food and my bike and my cat and my room and my apartment and and and and and...
a lot of things. people things. normal things. things that will work out, or won't, but it will pass at some point. right?
no, that's not what's keeping me up.
want to know what is? of course you do. you're reading this journal. if you didn't want to know shit like this, you wouldn't keep reading. who are you, anyway? I can see everyone's location and IP address so I can already infer who you are. why not just tell me?

I'm currently being kept up by the thought of making stencils so I can make shirts with words on them. I want to have squares of stencils and keep the cut outs so I can do two layers of letters. One of the outline, one of the inside (inside? whatever, it's past 1am, leave me alone). The shirt that I want to make first would say "I WON'T REMEMBER YOU" because that will at least kill the expectation people have of my memory. I will use mylar, and make squares of letters about 3" high. I will make multiples of some letters. It will be great. So I've been thinking about the logistics of that. How it would look. How to make the stencils work (negative space in the O .. I generally put a break in the O so that the center piece will stay in for the stencil. but when it's cut out, I'll need to tape the breaks back together. same with the A, etc). The process of making them, and then making the shirts. that sort of thing.
and yes, that is consuming my brain.
Of course, that came on the end of a train of thought that was leaping from track to track faster than I could follow. I won't even try to explain it.

switch.
trying to have a serious conversation with shiny is like trying to get a cat to do something. sometimes they do it, but only if THEY want to. and it has very little to do with you.
so I told him "stop using silliness as a way to avoid thinking or talking about real things." And now I'm thinking that this is a race to see whether he'll relent or I'll crack and stop caring.
he doesn't deny these observations I make. he agrees that he does these things. sometimes he tries to change. does it happen? I don't know.
my sister says he reminds her too much of our brother. I understand what she means. but at least shiny is trying to change. and he doesn't resent people.
I guess she just doesn't want me saddled to someone who will, ultimately, never make me happy. but I think he could. if he wanted to.
cats again.

oh, my stupid, noisy, smart, over-thinking, over-analyzing brain. please just shut up and let me sleep. there are things I have to do in the morning.

like get back to reality.

I want to know where this is going but am scared to find the answer

on friday he came to see me like he used to. met me at 3:30 at my apartment. we hugged and went inside and we so nicely behaved.
dinner. and then to see some music.
I touched him, but I tried to not do it too much. it's hard for me to be near him and not touch. it was .. you know .. nothing sexual. I poked his leg. his arm. thumb-wrestled. leaned on his shoulder. he played back a little.
that night he beckoned me to lay beside him on the couch under my bed. I did. he put his arms around me. he held me. I tried to think nothing of it. I tried not to analyze his every movement. tried not to determine what it meant.
we kept cuddling. so close. so warm. playful. I kept my brain at neutral. I wanted more but wouldn't pursue it. self-control. a rarity. but I wanted to keep him near and knew I couldn't let go if I wanted him to stay.
we went to bed. he said he was cold and held me tightly, curled his body around mine. something happened. it was a slow progression. it was movement and warmth. it was fingers and palms. it was a delicious tension that I hadn't felt since the first time we ever connected physically.
it started happening again, and I stopped him, and I said, "what are you doing?"

and we talked a little.
and we tried to calm our breathing.
but I felt his heart beating so heavily against me.
the warmth of his mouth.
his alternating soft and hardness pressed against and around me.
I suppose we must have slept at some point. but I woke up only a few hours later and took back all of my convictions.

he said, "sometimes it feels like I have a different brain."
he said, "sometimes I love you and sometimes my brain doesn't love you."
and I said that you can't predict emotions.
I said, "most of the time I love you but sometimes I think I hate you. maybe sometimes I do hate you."
because it's true. sometimes I do.

the polar opposites. one extreme blends into another. so cold it burns. but does heat ever freeze? can hate turn into love anywhere outside of hollywood?
I don't know. one passionate moment leads to another.
and I love him. and I told him. and for the first time it felt like he was talking about himself, saying things that he hadn't told anyone else. telling me things about how he felt.
in the morning, he pulled me to him, he did things to me that he didn't used to initiate quite so forcefully. it felt so good to be held by him.
and all weekend it was almost like we were together again. but I couldn't let go completely. I couldn't give in to the feeling because at the end of it I knew sunday would come and he would take the train home and uncertainty would set back in.

we've been apart for almost as long as we were together.
puppy once asked me how shiny managed to make such an impression in such a short amount of time.
there are more reasons than I have time for answers.
I think I'd start the explanation with my mother. he was there when no one else was. then I'd follow that up with an examination of how he manages not to trigger any of my delicately balanced neuroses. there are things about him that seem to have been custom-formed for me. other things, not so much, but they're so minor they don't matter.
my mom said she liked him.
when she first got sick and I broke up with shiny, I didn't tell her what happened. I didn't want her to feel responsible.
so much has happened.
it felt so good to be back with him this weekend.
sometimes I think that if I can keep a careful distance, then he will come back to me. he is stubborn and has to figure things out on his own. because even if he's right for me, that doesn't mean I'm right for him.
but I want him, I want him, I want him so badly.

for the first time in a long time, it felt like he wanted me too.

hope
is terrifying
when you don't know where it will take you.

"cautiously optimistic."
I want to scream it out at nothing.

my monkey's paw

maybe all I'll ever be is some cat who wants everything without having to give anything
maybe I'll only ever be some selfish ass who blames external forces for their misery instead of their own self-destructive spiral
maybe I'll never find someone to suit me because I will only ever want what I do not have
but I don't think that's true
and this has been a hellish year
and I started it sick
and my mom died
and I had my heart broken
and I realized how alone I have made myself
and I missed three weeks of school
and I delayed my graduation
and I keep trying to take care of myself but somehow it's never enough
I am never well
and I swear that after this malady, after this ache is gone, then things will be ok, no matter what
because how can it be any other way?
sometimes the only way I can muster hope is through the thought that this will end
this will pass
and I remember stories of people who have been reunited with lost loves or friends tens of years after a fight
and I hope that happens to me.
that all these people that are missing from my life will somehow return
but I don't know.
maybe I'm better off without them.
I don't think so.
maybe it's more that they're better off without me.
I get sick of my own instability. I imagine it's ever worse from the outside.
but I still dream about them
and about reconciliation
sometimes complete, but usually partial
and I dream about my mother
asking her for advice I don't really need
and I think back on this year, this horrible year,
with more bad days than good
and I realize that the majority of the good days came in those few months that I was with shiny
that he was the only glimmer in this year of darkness
and without him I don't know if it would have been better or worse
because what is a hole without the comparison of the ground?
but how would I have handled anything without the support I found in his presence?
there's no way to know now.
no way to know anything.

my mom's birthday is in two days.
she would have been 60.
eleven years ago, without a phone call, I would have been dead on the same day.
these wicked deaths.
last year I said that I looked forward to the day when I thought of november 19 as my mom's birthday rather than the anniversary of my suicide attempt.
well, that day has come.
I wish I could take it all back.

I wish the universe had found another way to change that day for me.

quoting myself

there are a lot of things I'd like to talk about. the physical pain, emotional pain, mental pain. I get so sick of all the pain. I am so sick of this year. but january 1 is only symbolic. it doesn't really mean anything. just a measurement of time.
I want to believe that there will be some end to the ridiculousness that is my life. an end that doesn't require me ending it. I want to believe that I'll be able to talk about my mom to someone some day. that I will find someone who loves me like I love them. that I will finish school and get a meaningful job. I will have a routine and it will be good for a while. I will have friends. I will make things. I will not have unreasonable financial burdens and my insurance will actually cover my medications.
I would like to go a year without tragedy. some year where things don't have to be stupifyingly amazing and everything's-going-my-way, but just where nothing overly bad happens. there are so many people out there that already have that. they don't even realize it. there are things I have that I don't think about, either. there are people that would gladly trade their trauma for my stupid life.
but, you know, this isn't about them.
I have dreams that I am scared to articulate. hopes I can't share in case my words break them. shiny called me tonight and it's a struggle not to start a "real" conversation with him. you know, about feelings.
I wrote him a long email a few days ago. he never replied, but I keep hearing from him like nothing happened. like I wasn't trying to turn his head inside out. like I wasn't trying to make him run away.
of course, the reason I don't talk about feeling is because I don't want to scare him off. I feel like I'm holding paper thin ice and it's a race to see which happens first: the breaking or the melting.
if I could find someone to run to, I would.
if I could leave him, I would do it in a heart beat.
but you don't understand. I can't let him go, and no one that I want wants me. he was with me in the hospital when my mom was sick. he was with me when she died. on the weekends, for weeks afterwards, he held me at 2am when I randomly started sobbing. you can't understand that connection until you've felt it. I don't think he feels it. I felt it with ex-otter when dru died, even if ex-otter didn't feel it with me. or maybe it was because I reminded him of that death that he left.
I feel so mixed up all the time. I don't want my mom to be dead. I don't know how to accept it. I want to call her to say that I miss her, but she isn't there to call anymore. it's as simple as that.
so much depends on a telephone call. didn't you know that?
sure, shiny broke up with me. but he has never left me.

you don't know what to make of it

I wonder if he'll call me tonight. it's been days. couldn't say for sure. sometimes he texts me, but it's just not enough. and I told him. he apologizes so much now, but it hasn't changed his behavior.
back ache like I was taken apart and put back together wrong. the pieces don't mesh. there's a scraping between the parts, bulges where there weren't before. I have knots that won't go away. and it feels like my muscle has been replaced with something denser and less forgiving. I feel heavier from the pain.
when anu dug his knuckles into the hard parts, I felt nothing. "it will feel better in 20 minutes," he said. but it doesn't. it's just sore and aching and red. it feels red.
when chick rubbed my back and left me with my heating pad, I awoke feeling so much better. today, that didn't work. I wince to think what tomorrow will be like.
muscle spasms. maybe that's what my chest does sometimes. it can't be massaged away. nothing breaks these knots apart. I'm not sure what to do.
ibuprofen every 6 hours. a heating pad. carry less on my back. how am I supposed to do that?
I wonder if he still loves me.
all this weight, all this weight.
I don't know what to do.

of course I know what I'm doing

I'm leaning on him until he pushes me away.
I'm not very observant with that sort of thing, though, so he'll have to be pretty fucking clear.

insomnia again

text message conversation between shiny and myself:

"I was hoping you'd check up on me today. Why didn't you?"
"I was planning on calling you. I was lifting weights and then helping move furniture and then stuff. I didn't realize it had gotten so late."
*calls me, I don't answer*
"I don't really know if there's any point in talking to you tonight. I am disappointed."
"Okay, sorry, Little Face."
"Please don't call me pet names anymore, shiny. You know they don't mean anything to you and they just hurt me."
"Okay. Sorry, Tugboat."
"I just wish you would think, you know?"
"I know. Sorry."

how many times can I expect different results from the same situation? it doesn't happen. he's like a metronome. steady and unwavering so why do I expect him to suddenly change tempo?
it gets worse at night. I lay in bed and try to focus on my breathing and slow my racing heart, but nothing helps. I find myself concocting suicide plans. I think I have a pretty good one. But I have to wait, you know? I have to see my sister and her family and my dad again first. I have to remind them how much I love them.
I find the thought of dying to be a comfort. the absolute darkness is soothing. not soothing enough to lull me to sleep, apparently, but soothing enough to slow my crazy thoughts. I guess what I would want is for people to understand that I'm deeply sad and have been for a long time. I can't remember a time in my life when I wasn't depressed and I can't imagine it ever being otherwise. I am not in love with this world. I am so sick of being scared all the time and worried and alone. Change is full of little deaths but after a while you can't change anymore so the death just takes you instead.
yeah, angsty and high-schoolish, but true for me.
it feels like I don't belong. I have never belonged. I was just able to ignore it a little better before. but since this year .. since all this shit .. it is so clear to me that I can't hide it anymore.
I feel closer to death than I have since I was 18 and swallowed all those pills. that was almost 11 years ago. on my mom's birthday.
november 19.
I just want to finish this year.
I wonder if I can finish this year.

overwhelmed and underworked

just around midnight, I texted shiny to see if he was still awake. "yes sir" was his reply. I asked him if we could talk and he called me immediately.
"I just need someone that doesn't lie to me to tell me things will be ok." He did so. but I didn't believe it.
I told him that I want to die. that I've been trying to figure out the way to do it so as to inconvenience the least amount of people. "my mom died and life kept going. the same thing would happen if I died." I told him that right now the only reason I'm not dead is because of my cat. and I don't want my roommate to find me dead. that goes with the whole "inconveniencing people" thing. I told him that I don't know what I'm doing. that I have no effect on anyone. That I'm alone and have been my entire life. that my life has been bad punctuated with good instead of the other way around.
and I'm tired, so tired, and dreams are the only thing that feel real to me. no matter how crazy they get, they still feel more honest than the waking world.
people have such strange images of me. I'd like to meet someone who sees them all and sees through it and knows who I am. I'd like for someone to know me like I know me, and to love me for it. but I don't think that person exists, and I can't keep looking anymore. there just isn't any point.
I'm so tired of being sick. I'm so tired of getting sick. I'm tired of the winter. I don't think I can take another one in this town. I can't take the darkness at 4pm or the cold so bitter that it makes my eyes water when I step outside. I can't take these sleepless nights or the heating pad on my feet. I can't take the hibernation and the potholes and the skidding tires of my bike.
the people I need, bones and buttercup and ex-husband and the like, don't call or contact me. only the desperate do. I only hear from shiny in response, not from initiation. bear is gone. wizard is gone. beard is gone. everyone everyone everyone except chick and puppy and those are just complicated in simplistic ways. situationally complicated, not emotionally complicated. there is no one in providence that I hear from every day. no one my age that cares and makes the effort. sometimes I reach out and try and it just dies out. friendship is a two way street. I fall into old habits. I can't get close to anyone without being in love with them. shiny keeps me raw and doesn't even know it.
he doesn't know what to say or how to comfort me.
I don't know either.
sometimes there just aren't any words.
I guess "please don't die" would have been a good start.
but all he gives me is silence.

stating the brain-case

there's a sound outside my window and I'm not sure what it is. the wind softly blowing something against the glass. and I worry that I've missed autumn because of pneumonia. and I worry that I'll go straight into snow without getting to winterize my bike. and I worry that I'll never catch up in school. and I worry that I'll never find someone with whom to share mutual love. I don't have new roommates yet, and mine is moving out soon. no prospects. nowhere to go.
sometimes I feel so hopeless. I am so far behind.
I'm going to be 30 in five months. it sounds so much older than I am. so much older than I live. but then I think of friends that I have that are older than I am and still live young and I feel a little relieved. when I was 25, it was strange to realize that at that age, my sister already had three kids. married. a cat. a house.
I have a loft in a rented apartment with a roommate I met on craigslist. and she's leaving and I don't have anyone to replace her.

I have high standards and I'm not currently meeting them. there is so much going on that my brain seizes up and doesn't let me process it. I am left with a blankness in my mind. and sometimes I forget to break it down and pursue the things I need to do. and sometimes I just shut down completely.
in the face of all these stressors, I do something else completely unrelated.
whenever I am faced with options I cannot choose between, I pick one that wasn't even initially on the radar.
I wonder where that will leave me.
Hell, I don't even know what my options are right now.
I'm just holding on with my eyes closed, hoping that when my grip finally gives out there will be something to catch me.
not sure if there's anything else to do.

maybe someday my lungs will work again

I feel like I should be upset or care more than I do that I haven't heard from him. Last night I sent him a text saying, "Meow? I don't think we're going to get back together, fyi. I just like being around you and cuddling. You're comforting. Goodnight." I wonder what he thought I meant by it. I wonder if he felt anything.
I suppose I'm coming to terms with things being over. He doesn't want me. I saw that this past weekend. There was a distance there, a wall between us. It's a barrier he created. I wonder if he used to lie to me when he said that he was excited about me. I wonder if he just made himself believe those things because he thought that he should. I wonder what he was thinking.
I think the problem is that he didn't think. Once he did, he knew he had to leave. And he hasn't thought again since. Not much, anyway.
I miss a lot of things about him, sure. I miss a lot of things about a lot of people, but here I am, continuing on. I had such a good time with him. Why couldn't it have lasted?
Maybe I'll find someone someday. Maybe I won't. I don't feel much for anyone these days. I don't feel much at all.
This summer, a part of me went away. I don't think it's ever coming back. This year has systematically dismantled me. From the PID to Pants to finally falling in love to my mom dying to losing that love and now finally to pneumonia. and through it all, feeling that I'm gradually losing everyone. I'm closer to my sister now. Further from my brother. I feel so much older. Sadder. Beaten down, in a deeper, more lasting way than ever before.
Everything hurts. And nothing touches me.
I just want this to be over.