starting at the end. working backwards.

in an ideal world, I'd have no reason not to trust people.
in an ideal world, my mom would be alive.
in an ideal world, my family would get along.
in an ideal world, I'd have enough to eat and remember to eat it.
in an ideal world, my living situation would be my cat and I, and maybe another cat. and maybe someone awesome.
in an ideal world, I'd have an ideal partner.
in an ideal world, I wouldn't be on medication because I wouldn't need it.
in an ideal world, I wouldn't be thousands of dollars in debt.
in an ideal world, this wouldn't be my life.
in an ideal world, I wouldn't be me.
in an ideal world, we'd all be somebody else.

met the person I wish shiny had been. wish I could combine the two. shiny's deliberateness with chick's passion. shiny's math with chick's action. they are both what I want, but in one person. geek and punk. complementing and complimenting.
side part and mohawk.
brown eyes and green.
muscled and skinny.
a drape of freckles across his chest, slender fingers at my neck. unbidden.

did shiny used to touch me, unprompted?
I can't remember. he used to kiss my forehead. he used to smile at me. chick smiles at me too. they both have beautiful smiles, and those amazing lines around their eyes. they both have looked at me in adoration.
and I must distance myself from both of them.
shiny is gone. I find it hard not to wish ill upon him. I find it hard not to pity him. I find it hardest not to miss him. I don't know what to do with that but wait it out.
when chick was here this weekend, I thought that maybe I knew how shiny felt. I liked doing things with chick, but I didn't feel the excitement I've felt for other people. I don't know if I want to. I don't want to be with anyone right now. I think it would be a bad idea. I would have happily and contentedly stayed with shiny, but I can't just substitute in someone else like this is a game of soccer. my heart doesn't work that way.

over these years, observation of my heart aches have shown me that whatever is done to me I eventually do to someone else. whatever I do to someone is eventually done to me. we must watch our actions carefully and realize that whatever we do to someone else we are actually doing to ourselves.

I don't want to do to someone else what has been done to me.
I don't want to be that kind of heart-breaker.
can my own awareness break the cycle?
I don't want to be caught in some kind of karmic loop.

I don't want to wish so much pain upon myself by first wishing it on others.

I don't want to hurt by hurting.

oh analytic advice, how useless you can be when no one's listening

I feel sad for Shiny. he has a lifetime of emotional repression to work through. he'll never find anyone else like me. he may never find anyone else, period. no one good, at least, if he isn't willing to deal with his shit. maybe someday he'll settle for someone out of loneliness. but I can't picture him acknowledging his loneliness enough to want to relieve it. first he'd have to understand what he is.
hung out with his roommate today. he says he rarely sees shiny, which is interesting, since shiny rarely leaves the apartment. he spends hours and hours in his room, alone. doing what? I don't know. he probably doesn't know either.
he told me he's missed work. that he can't read this because he's too sad. well, no wonder. he has no friends.
"people like him," I said. "it's self-imposed isolation. he doesn't have to be alone. he chooses it." this goes beyond self-reliance, shiny. this is lying to yourself. this is avoiding the simple truth that people need other people.
I don't mean that I want him back. I don't. he's too immature. he has too much that he hasn't dealt with. that doesn't interest me, especially since he doesn't seem particularly motivated to deal with it. he broke up with me to get his life in order and instead has done even worse than before. hopefully he picks himself up soon. I guess he let his walls crumble a little. maybe he should work on tearing them down completely instead of doing what he seems to be doing: building them back up.

and I whisper to myself, "I'm better off without him," and I want to believe it. I do. but the romantic in me wants to keep holding on.
romance always gets me in trouble.

poor shiny.
poor me.

how to make a life

medicate me. bring me back to myself. is this a sense of relief that I feel now that I've had my final say with shiny? is this a sense of relief from my newly found ability to start and finish projects? "you're so ambitious!" my friend Ome said to me. "just tonight!" I replied, but I felt so happy. when was the last time anyone called me ambitious and I could agree?
though this summer has mostly been shit, I have to say one good thing has happened: I've been able to create more prolifically than I have in the past ten years. I miss the life I was living before my mom got sick, but I hope I'll be able to build something new on top of the rubble.

I have been trying to be a better friend. I don't know if it is working. I have discovered who I can count on, and who cares about me no matter what. the age range of my friends spans twenty years. one of my closest friends is 19. When I was 19, I was in cosmetology school, living with my dad, and making huge self-portraits in charcoal. that's the last time I consistently made art for myself.
I feel a little sliver of hope creeping in, and I am terrified I'll lose it. multiple people have expressed interest in being my roommate. they all sound awesome. my room is still clean. I trashed it for a day and a half so I could build onto my loft, but when I was done I cleaned it all up and it still looks good. AND I have a couch now! that I made by myself!
I have a tentative class schedule that isn't where I wanted to be initially, but I think it will make me happy enough. I have friends, some of which bring me food and stay to chat about not much of anything. I like their calmness. I like their hugs.
my cat has been cuddling with me a lot lately. I love her company.
the paper mache masks are a boundless source of inspiration. I hope I keep making them. I have dreams of selling them, though right now I just want to give them away.
almost every day, even though I haven't been able to answer most of the time, the person from connecticut has been calling me. he needs a name. let's call him Chick. that should be confusing enough. I think I have a crush on him, which is very exciting, because until today I hadn't been able to feel anything for anyone but shiny.

I hope this lasts.
I like feeling hopeful. I want to be happy again. I want things to make sense, to be stable, to not go away. I've had every aspect of my life ripped out from under me this summer. I need to build it back up again.

my friend JN said, "you think you have someone to depend on but they're gone. you think you don't have to go through it all alone, but you do. you always do." and she's right. we're always alone. every grief we go through, we go through alone. in the end, we only have ourselves.
but friends help so very much. and love can help so very much.

all I want, all I have ever wanted, is stability.

when do I get my reward?

put your hand inside my mouth, fingers narrowed and slender. make a tapered cone and reach down into my throat. ball your hand into a fist. block my larynx, my esophagus. don't make a sound. don't wake me up. I want to die in my sleep. I want you to know that you're the one that did it. I want your participation to be active.

when my heart stops, I want you to feel it.

your life is nothing but mine could have helped so many. you are worth nothing to anyone but me. without me, you are empty. but I have become useless to you. you forgot to look where you were going, and stumbled, and I'm the one that got pushed into traffic. you just have survivor's guilt.
I wish I had survivor's guilt. at least it would mean I had survived. at least it would mean none of this was happening to me.
you don't remember feelings. what about when you asked if I wanted a burrito, and I said "I love you" and hid under the blankets? do you remember how you felt then? for days I murmured nothing into your chest to hide the words I wanted to be saying. for conflicted days I worried how you'd react.
you told me to stop hiding.
you said you loved me too.
I cried.

This was real to me; this was all real to me. what was it to you? a way to pass the time? something new to try? was I anything more than a distraction? you were my love. what was I to you? an inconvenience?
it hurts too much for you to read this? well, you're not living it, you selfish prick. you're not the one who just keeps getting broken over and over and over again. and everyone expects me to keep going because to consider the alternative would be too painful.

I am constantly waiting for the next bad thing to happen. you were supposed to be one of the good things.
you were supposed to stay.

I want you to read this. I want you to know what you did. and I want you to pay for it.

I know I can't move on until I let this go but goddamn it... I just want you to hurt.

wanting what I used to have

I dream about you and I don't want to. I dream that we share a house and rooms so close together that we can see each other every night. I dream that you are leaving. but I still go into your room so I can lay in your bed and cry. I sneak in at night to watch you sleep. you touch my hand. I see your eyes.
I dream that you love me but it doesn't matter. mark that one down for real life. I dream that I cannot extricate your influence on my life. let's make that two. I still feel your hand around my heart and you don't even know it. I still feel you and it makes everything so much harder. if you don't call, I get depressed. if you do call, I get angry. I just want you back with me. I want you back inside of me. I want you to love me like I love you and I want this to stop hurting.
once, I told you that it was so nice to have a love that didn't hurt.
then it started hurting.

what is going back?

there is no going back?

How can I move forward when all I can see is what has been left behind?

what is romantic love anyway?

just the way it happens, I guess

so twisted. he didn't call me tonight. it isn't surprising, considering what I said last night when I got another call. "I'm going to answer this because he hasn't fucked me over," or something like that. so twisted inside.
been off my meds for a few days now. I can't afford to get them refilled. I don't try very hard. I'm so tired of begging money from my friends and I don't have any family left that can help or that I'd feel comfortable asking.
I miss shiny, shiny, shiny. talking to my therapist today, asking if I was happy before. she said I was, though I was lonely during the week. I was. I loved being with shiny. I wanted that all the time. I daydreamed about it. talking to my friend today, about how sad I've been. about how much I missed feeling happy. how nice it was. "yeah, we all liked it too," he said. "well, you can thank shiny for that. my mom I can't blame, but I hold shiny responsible for his actions."
Is this misplaced blame? am I just looking for a scape-goat?
part of me thinks so, but part of me also believes that what I feel is justified. that there was happiness on both sides. maybe he won't call anymore because he doesn't want to deal with my continuously refreshed pain. but I can't do that thing where I pretend everything is ok. I'm too honest. I'm too open. I just don't work that way.
I miss him so much and I hate it. I feel like a fool for loving him and continuing to want him. I'm mean to him because if I'm not, then I'll just fall further and further in love with him. I'm mean because it's a defense mechanism. If I'm not constantly reminding him and myself about how badly he hurt me, then I'll let it go and let him in and get all caught up in something that he won't let happen. I'll start hoping we'll get back together. I mean, I already do, but it will only get worse.
this is ridiculous.
how to go from amazing to awful in one simple month: lose your mom, lose your love, lose your hope, lose all faith that things will ever be ok again.

it's just where I'm coming from

familiar sickness in my chest. the silence of a phone call where I refuse to talk. a struggle from his voice, as he strains to fill the gaps. why does he try now? he didn't before.
so shiny calls and I lose it. I lose it. he says "my life feels less dishonest now" and I rail against it. he says "I love you, but I don't feel romantic about you" and I ask "then why'd we have so much sex?" "Because you wanted to." I don't understand this lack of logic he now professes. I can't comprehend his hypocrisy.
why do something unless you want it, too?
there are so many flaws in his words.
"I didn't want to break up with you, because I liked you."
I want you to shut the fuck up.
I want you to make some goddamn sense.
I want your actions to follow your words.

I want to feel ok again.

I want us to be in love.

oh, you know, the usual cry-fest

Looking for a rainy day. something to dull all my senses. something to make my brain numb and bring me apathy. something to make me forget about the sun.
that's the thing, though: rainy days just make you think more about the good days. all these sad days remind me of the times that weren't. even rainy days were fun when I was with shiny. all I have now is me.
painting patterns on a mask I may never wear. wish I could show it to him. waiting for the rain that doesn't come. these sunless days chill me, and there is no source of warmth that stays. wake up and wonder what the point is. wishing I could just go back to sleep. sleep through everything. sleep through the next few days weeks months years until this fades enough for me to have some kind of hope for happiness again.
poisoned needle in my chest spreads the coldness gradually. I thought the shock had worn off. turns out I was wrong. it doesn't end.

I want to throw myself against something, anything. I want brick walls and concrete floors scraping my skin and splintering my bones. I want to scream and scream and scream until I taste the blood in my throat. I want to cry all of this out, but it just doesn't work that way. no matter how many times I cry there is always more to come later. there is always the possibility for more pain.
every moment, every minute, every hour, every day. there is so much and there is no one here but me. there is only me. no one knows all of my story anymore. the only person I felt comfortable telling left me. one by one they all do that. one by one it's easier just to go away.
the ones that stay behind are desperate and I guess I am too now. I guess we attract each other. it's too bad that I loathe desperation.
I can't stop shaking these past few days. I can't remember what I eat or when. I don't sleep well or enough. my life has become a wreck of self-pity and sadness. I am pathetic.

and through it all, I still wish for shiny. that is the most pathetic thing of all. why do I long for someone that doesn't want me? someone new has been calling me and falling all over me and I feel nothing. it just highlights how badly I want the person who went away.
my past looks so simple in retrospect.
rarely in my life have I so strongly longed for mediocrity.
and I thought things were bad when ex-otter left me.
fuck. if only I'd known how much worse it was going to get.

someone else's words again and again

sometimes, I want to say that I hate you. I don't. I love you and I wish I didn't. I love you and it hurts and I listen to songs that make me hurt more. I grab my pipe and think about numbing myself but instead I put it away and sit on the floor to cry.
I listen to songs that have nothing to do with you, but maybe a mis-heard line reminds me of this situation. "why can't I feel anything from anyone other than you" becomes "why can't I feel anything for anyone other than you." And I wonder, why can't I feel anything for anyone other than you?
"this all was only wishful thinking?"
it's not even a style of music I like. but it's a song I heard a long time ago, and it's stuck with me, wrong heard lyrics and all.
"I know you well enough to know you never loved me?"
but you did, you did, you did. just not the way I needed. just not in a way that matters now.

why did you stay with your cheating ex for a year but you couldn't wait to break up with me? I didn't do anything. all I did was want you, and hope, and trust you.
why the fuck aren't you here?
how could you fucking leave me?

I said you could call if you wanted, and if I didn't want to talk then I wouldn't answer. but I haven't heard from you since. not a single word.
but you said you cared. and you said you thought of me as a friend. and you said you loved me.

do you blame me for thinking you lied?

my cluttered brain

try to figure out why I hold onto sadness. try to recognize the base of this. no picture to paint, no words to describe, but I'll try anyway.
why do I crave attention? sadness is the fastest way to get it so sadness is what I cling to. when I create something and I get recognition, that works too, but it's much less likely to happen. why do I need to be validated by others? why am I jealous of their connections?
but where it all started isn't what matters. why I still do it, does.
apologies only go so far. I've tried.
there are bridges that have been burnt, and not just by my hand.
egos bent and bruised. minds changed, and not for the better. secrets and fear and jealousy. misunderstandings. miscommunication. missing.
I still wait for people to come home that I haven't seen in years. I still dream about them.
Last night I dreamt that my mom was dead. it's the first time I've done that.
why do I want recognition from people? why do I want attention? why do I care how other people view me?
why the fuck does any of this matter?

he doesn't get it.

sat on the table, cross-legged, and cried. made my way to my bedroom, still sobbing, and fell onto my futon. gripped my body pillow. rasping gasps in between tears.
I miss you I miss you I miss you. I feel so hollow inside. there's a big dry hole in my chest and I don't know how to fill it. I guess I'm doing what I've done before. get fucked up. get fucked.
but it's not like it was before. I have the watered-down version of sexed-up me now. because I don't want to do that again. I want to love myself and not need attention from other people. I want to feel complete on my own.

my sister called me today and asked if I'd heard from shiny. I started crying.
go out to the roof. fuck yourself up. go out on the roof. cry.

Yeah, I want to be me on my own. I want to be my own good influence. doesn't really work that way.
I want someone to push me.
I want to hear from him.

another sleepy-eyes wandering

still feel wounded, like the pink skin left from a picked scab. I am tender and more sensitive than I used to be. still feel wounded from everything.
I've begun looking at people as potentials. I don't like doing that. I want to just look at them as people. I liked being with shiny because he was the only one I wanted. I interacted better with others.
I don't know why I can't just be that way all the time.
how can I be healthy? how can I be the person I long to be? how can I be content with my life as it is?
I've lost so much this summer. joy said, "well, there's nowhere to go but up!" and I said that things could still get so much worse. I don't think they will, but the possibility remains. I haven't hit bottom just yet. I could very easily, but I haven't.
I've lost so much in my life.
nothing brings it back.
no way to return to who we were.

this time I don't know how to finish. as though I've ever known.

You used to feel like home. what would you feel like now? some closed off place that I cannot access? someone's closet? something else entirely?
You used to feel like home and the only time I was at ease was in your arms. The only time I felt happy was with you. the days in between our weekends were a blur, and I didn't care about much that didn't involve seeing your face or holding your hand.
I just
wanted
you.

I liked who I was with you. You specifically. You made me want to learn, to reach out, to try. You made me look at myself with different eyes and see something I'd been hiding from me. I felt hopeful, and cheerful, and good. I was starting to feel at peace with myself. our future rolled out in front of me slowly, like a new carpet. I could hardly believe I'd found you. I just couldn't believe you existed, and you loved me, and I was your's. I was your's so completely. And once upon a time, you told me you were mine too.

If my mom hadn't died, would you still be with me?
because you acted so entranced when we were first dating. you said sweet things. it was fun. you were excited to see me. you went into work late so you could spend another night with me. but then you stopped doing that. why? what happened?
my sister told me she couldn't read you. you are neutral. I couldn't read you, either. I couldn't tell how you were feeling, at least not as obviously as with other people. but my early, silent predictions became true and I hate it. sometimes I just hate being right.
now I can't see anything in front of me.
I needed you so badly and you just let me fall.
how does that feel? what is that like? your own self-recrimination isn't enough. I miss you so much. I can feel myself slipping back to how I used to be and I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. you kept me safe and sane and now I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what to do.

I hate that I've needed you so badly. I hate that you could just walk away like it was nothing, and say I was just your friend like it was easy, like you didn't still want me. I hate how easy everything is for you. I want this to be difficult. I want you to call me, and cry, and say how sorry you are for what you've done, how sorry you are that things had to happen like this. Because you haven't really sounded sorry at all.
Once a day, at least, I burst out into sobs because of all of this. if my mother hadn't gotten sick, would we still be together?
It isn't bad enough that my mom had to die, but you had to go away too. and my roommate. and my new friend. and my happiness. and my contentment.
I feel empty, empty, empty. I fill the hole with art projects and audio books that you recommended and TV shows we used to watch together. I paint pictures of downcast people and ridiculous cats and I wish I could share it all with you. I still want to share everything with you.
I used to day dream about living with you. I used to think about how we'd have our kitchen, how things would be set up. I only ever disrupted your life but you made mine so much better.
I wonder if you've ever felt that way about anyone. I assume you didn't feel that way about me.
you don't feel the way I do, or in the fashion that I do, or as deeply as I do, or as passionately. I wonder where your passion hides.
I miss the way you'd laugh at me when I got excited about things. It was so unbelievable and beautiful. sometimes I'd purposely act ridiculous just to hear that laugh, to see your eyes crinkle, your strange teeth, those lines in your face.
You occupied every part of my mind all the time.
every part of me was infused with you.
I thought we had time to figure you out. I thought we had all the time, ever.
I know it's ridiculous to think that after only 5 months. I knew after 2 months that I loved you and wanted to stay with you. Hell, I knew that after only 2 weeks.

I pour myself out here because I have no one to talk about this. I am ashamed that I feel this way. I'm ashamed to love you so much. I'm embarrassed by how badly I still want you.

I don't wait anymore for emails from you. Sometimes I still hope you'll call. sometimes I still hope I'll hear from you. I miss your voice, and your laughter, and the way you used to say "love you."
Now all I do is kill time, but for nothing. there's nothing to look forward to like there was with you. my days are just days, and all of them feel twice as long as they are. the weekends hold no meaning. nothing matters as much as it used to.

I don't have anyone to hold me at 2am when I randomly start sobbing because I miss my mom.
I only have me to hold myself. wrap my arms around my knees and let the tears run down my legs.

I wonder what sleeps in your depths. I wonder what monsters keep your feelings hidden.

I wonder who will finally get to find out who you are.
there was a time when I was certain it would be me.

I have trouble letting silence speak. I frequently need words. I need explanations of why the person won't talk to me, not just the act of it.

passive-aggressive plea for attention

woke up from my nap depressed. I pretend that I've been eating enough but my body tells a different story. my bike rides feel more difficult than they once did. I don't have much of an excuse anymore. I have the time to make food. I just don't have the inclination.
yes, my life continues on without him. yes, I am existing. things just used to be better when I was with him. things were more hopeful. I was more hopeful.
people say "how long were you two dating?" I say "oh, not long. only five months. but I was pretty serious about him." I was. I thought he was, too.
I remember cautiously approaching the subject of the future, asking him if it was too soon to say it. he said it wasn't. I guess now we know it was.
I miss him like it matters. I miss him like it will make him come back to me. I'm not even sure if I'd want that any more. Not right away. he still hasn't apologized.
he still hasn't said, in his own words, how fucked up it was for him to do what he did.
I told him he could call me if he wanted to. I told him if I didn't want to talk to him, then I wouldn't answer. He hasn't called me since then.
I bet his life is so much easier now without me.

This is where my mind always goes. I get hurt and nothing can make up for it. I get hurt and no one can do anything to soothe it.
certainly not if I don't hear from the source of the pain.

just let this wound scab over so I can peel it off.
bring about my fucking scar.

stop it.

red-rimmed eyes from the mirror stare. I don't want them anymore. curled lip crumples as I sob: my face a distorted mess. tired of crying. put together 2 and 2 and discovered that crying at night makes the next day awful. crying hurts but not crying does too. there is no winning here. there is only loss.

missing someone that says they care.
if they care, then where are they?
where am I?
who am I?

what happened?

still hard to believe that this is my life now. hard to believe how quickly the bottom can fall out of one's stability. I feel like the character in a cartoon, running and running until the cliff runs out. hanging comically in mid-air, not yet realizing that there's nothing beneath my feet. suddenly falling, piece by piece. feet, legs, torso, head. maybe a little wave good-bye.

I think of my mom and I miss her. It is hard for me to believe that I'll never hug her again or hear her voice. Hard to believe all that has happened this summer. hard to believe that shiny left me. hard to believe my roommate is leaving me. hard to believe that my newest good friend is going to be dating Pants. hard to believe, hard to believe, hard to believe.
cry.
maybe it's more like falling through awnings. Each time I land on one, I think that maybe this is the one that will hold me. but it doesn't. each one rips. some just take longer. when do I get to reach bottom? when do I meet the ground?

tired of feeling like a passenger in the wreck that my life has become. but there's no gaining control. I just have to wait it out.
and I have to learn to do it alone.
and it's so fucking hard.

why can't I just get a good night's sleep?

I miss my mom and I miss shiny. I didn't cry at all yesterday and I don't think I did on monday either. a friend came over monday and we cleaned my room. I've felt pretty great since then.
but now Pants has cropped up again. this time it's not me he's fucking with. not directly, at least. but it's still fucking with my head. so now I'm crying again and I am just so tired of life going up and down.
the up is nice, but I know it's just gonna end.
the down sucks, but it's really hard to see out of it when I'm in it. I can always talk myself down, but I don't know how to raise myself up.
this too shall pass this too shall pass this too shall pass this too shall pass

I guess I'd like to say some things now, before I forget. I don't know how I'll be feeling in five minutes, so I need to write this down now.
Realizing the shallowness of shiny's emotional capacity has helped to temporarily ease my distress about him. I'm still not going to call him up to chat, but now we feel like exes instead of a couple on pause.
I am attractive physically and mentally. I am going through a very tough period right now, and I will always miss my mom, but the rest is temporary.
Please remember that I am worthwhile. Please remember that I can get through this.

I guess it's self-awareness

my roommate said it best when she said, "he doesn't seem to feel very deeply." I have been trying to put my finger on what his problem actually is, and she managed to sum it up perfectly. he lacks a depth of emotion.
this is a poignant bookend to last summer, when I was told by two separate people that I feel very deeply. Steel and wizard both made that observation independently of each other.
so here I am, circled around from last year. again it comes down to depth of emotion. my misery and love rests upon how much a person can feel. how much one lets one's self feel.

I feel ok right now. a friend helped me clean my room yesterday. we took out 5 shopping bags of trash. she scrubbed while I sorted. my cat sniffed my room like it was new. I woke up this morning and looked down and felt amazement at my floor. the feeling has carried me these past 2 hours. I don't want to revel too deeply in it, since it is inevitably fleeting, but I also don't want to discount the gravity of this progress.

trying to find my solid footing. the sand is firming, but I still sink in. this is going to be a long, slow struggle. I get tired just thinking about it. one foot at a time. one step at a time.
I'm looking forward to being alone this afternoon, to work on some art, to listen to an audio-book. I can look forward to being alone because I know that tomorrow I won't be. If I keep these plans, then the times when I am alone become more precious.
I miss my mom.
I wish I could just coast on this serenity. I wonder what it's like to barely feel? what does life feel like? what does anything even mean?
are you even aware of how little you feel?
and if you were, would you care?

everything depends on nothing now, doesn't it?

things don't feel real and things don't feel good. told shiny I needed to stop talking to him because I am in love with him and the feelings aren't mutual. mentally composed suicide notes as I rode my bike to work. tried to figure out how many different ways I could say to everyone, "it's not your fault, but it is."
because the world does pile on more than one person can handle. and the well-meaning advice people give me just makes me angrier. when the time comes that I push everyone away, I'll be ready to give in. give in to the goals and ideas that I've long avoided.
I don't want to go to the hospital. I don't want to survive. this is so much harder than I think anyone realizes. and everyone thinks someone else will take care of things. everyone thinks I'm doing ok. everyone has their own shit to deal with. and it's rarely the people that I want to call that do. and it's rarely the people that I want to see that show up.
and when was the last time I felt good for more than five minutes? Oh, right. it was the last time I was with shiny.
fuck you. fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I am miserable and unseen and I make people too uncomfortable to do anything about it.
it's so much easier to ignore me because eventually I'll just go away.
don't worry. you'll get your wish.