you don't know what this is because it's me and it's mine and who the fuck are you?

waiting 'til it's late enough to feasibly go to bed. been waiting all day just to go back to sleep. are these my days now? wake up, wait, sleep? I ate sporadically. I ate poorly. I didn't eat an entire meal at any point.
I don't feel like making the effort to take care of myself. It's too difficult. my sister called me last night and cried at me and I've been broken since then. shiny stayed later than usual last night to feed me by hand. I was heavy and couldn't move. I stayed up late and read. I don't know why. I woke up too early, maybe. took a nap yesterday. waiting now to sleep. going to go to bed soon, I hope. tomorrow I want to try to fix things. what is fixing? tomorrow I'm going to try to take care of things.
what things? what are things? things?
money. I need money. gotta talk to financial aid. tomorrow I have work. work from 12-5. I haven't been to work since before my mom got sick. my mom is dead now. she's dead.
my sister called me and cried and she's always been the strong one. I'm the sensitive one. I'm the crier. why aren't I crying? why is it so hard?
what's wrong with me.
I need a babysitter. for me.

unnecessary

I got a text today from a number that wasn't in my phone:

him: I found out from N_ that yer mom passed away recently. I am really really sorry, she was a remarkable woman. I really enjoyed the time I was able to spend with her. Please send my best to K_ [mom's husband]. And please hang in there.
me: Who is this?
me: I'm guessing this is R_[ex-otter]. I don't know why you still have my number. Get rid of it. If I'd wanted you to know about my mom, I would have written to you.
me: I don't want to hear from you again.
me: The last thing I want to deal with right now is the pain any thought of you brings up. Please don't reply. Just go away.
him: Sorry.
me: Way too little, way too late. Good bye.

He's had my number all this time and never called or texted? every other interaction was through email. I would have preferred an email. It seems less personal than a text and more on the lines of the level of interaction I can handle from him. What am I saying? I can't handle any interaction from him.
When mom first died, my instinct was to get in touch with ex-otter. But I didn't. I'm glad I didn't. I can't stand his know-it-all attitude. I hate him.
I hate him and I hate that it took him this long to apologize, and it wasn't even for anything he did.
I feel foolish and angry and lonely.

things

mom died yesterday. I have so much trouble accepting it. realizing it. I just can't imagine my life without her. stages of grief. some say 5, but I agree with those that say 7. here they are,the seven stages of grief, in no particular order:

1. shock and denial.
2. pain and guilt
3. anger and bargaining
4. depression, reflection, loneliness
5. the upward turn
6. reconstruction and working through
7. acceptance and hope

It feels like I just got over grieving ex-otter and the death of dru. It feels like I was finally making it to a point where I was ok with things. now I have this new pain, so much deeper than before.

And now, some more advice from a website:

"Offer to help but be specific. It can seem overwhelming and stressful to have people keep asking what can I do to help you. When you are grieving you may have no idea what would be helpful or not. Because grief can be a confusing and overwhelming experience, suggest something specific. It is hard for many people to ask for help.

Be the one who takes the initiative to:

Call from time to time and just to check in
Offer to run errands or get groceries
Drop off food - don’t wait to be asked
Offer to go along to a bereavement group with them
Go for walks or enjoy a physical activity
Do a fun activity with them that you know they really enjoy: maybe a game or going to the movies
Encourage socializing but only when the person feels ready"

Honestly, I just want someone to take care of me.

walk like a ghost

8:34, dead mom. can we collapse now? it doesn't go away, it just gets easier.
I keep thinking of getting in touch with the people I know that have lost family members. but they don't talk to me anymore, or i won't talk to them. what good would it do to get in touch with ex-otter or his family? and I fucked over viva; why would she want to talk to me now? how many others?
do you live in the now? I don't. don't know how to. can't let go. just little bursts of "ok" and "fine" and when I have fun I feel guilty later. my mom is dead. why should anything feel good?
this is one of those dreams. like the dream I had when dru died. like the dream I still haven't woken up from. this is another layer, right? I want to wake up. how can anything feel good right now? I am stuck. I don't know what to do.
dreams of mom these past few nights. dreaming about her being disappointed in me. I've always felt like I wasn't good enough. frequently felt like a failure. my brother doesn't care about her. doesn't care that she's dead. that hurts too, in a way I hadn't felt before.
can't move. just waiting for something else to happen. waiting for someone to tell me what to do.
where do I go? what do I say? how do I look? can I sleep?
guilty guilty guilty.
I can't believe I'll never hear her voice again. or laugh at a stupid joke.

is this what it is?

are these the moments that define us?
oh god.
I don't want to be defined by my inability to function.
get up, lay down, go to sleep, wake up. dreams that dissipate but leave an uncomfortable residue. sticks to my consciousness. colors my feelings.
the hospital, the hospital, the hospital. I slept on a reclining chair and woke up whenever my mom's breathing changed. finally fell asleep soundly only to awaken to strangers surrounding her bed. breathing problems, what's wrong, and me embarrassed by sleeping.
since I got home, everything's been getting worse. been getting worse. I walked my bike home so I could talk to shiny. so we could talk about "us" and him and my mom and so I could feel less alone in this. he's trying. but afterwards I found myself wondering:
he isn't ready to be vulnerable to anyone? does that mean he doesn't want to be in this relationship? maybe he just doesn't want to tell me now because my mom might be dying
[i've become convinced that's it. she's dying she'll be dead and there's nothing I can do and isn't it good that I saw her before she got so sickly? I hate this train of thought but in my morbidity it's where I drift; three days off medication and beaten by a whirlwind and I am so fucking scared and sad and who holds me now that that I'm alone like this? I miss the physical comfort but I could deal with it better if I had the emotional support and openness I crave. it comes slowly, so slowly, like a mudslide gaining momentum but what if it dries out before it can get anywhere? what if never even reaches me? I'd love to drown in honesty but right now I'm not even sure where I stand -]
and death is nothing but endings, leaving room for a beginning, right? isn't the tarot card "change?" change is death. I have felt it so strongly at times that it felt there was no possible alternative but to die. I know. I have died so many times that I had to change my name.
I am 29. I thought I'd be better prepared. my mom is 59. that is far too young for this.
my sister and her husband smoke their cigarettes like they're not setting up their own children for this mess.
are we all in denial?

mentions

I feel like I've done everything that I could do. I keep trying to do the "right" thing. I keep trying to do what's "best." I listen to what feels best to do. But I don't know what these things mean anymore because no matter what they all hurt. If I fuck up, it hurts. If I don't fuck up, it hurts.
The thing about relationships is that it takes two people for them to work, but only one to fuck it all up. It just goes a lot faster if both people are fucking up.
I cry when I see evidence of some kind of strong, boundless love. Sometimes it's on tv, sometimes it's descriptions of the relationships that people that I know have. Like my sister and her husband or my mom and her husband. They found it. Will I?
the decision to make things work no matter what.
will I get that?
will someone fight for me?

so melancholy.
so tired.

so fucking frustrated

it's raining outside and inside and everywhere. I broke up with shiny because I got tired of feeling like I couldn't depend on him to be there for me when I needed him. on sunday, he left me while I was sobbing so he could take a bus, though he could have waited. I needed him and he left. whenever I have problems, when I'm sad, he doesn't check in with me. he doesn't see how I'm doing. he doesn't ask.
now my mom is in the hospital and I feel horribly, horribly alone. I want to cry all the time and I want someone to be here and hold me. I feel like I'm never going to meet anyone that can be what I need. shiny was so close. but he lacks ambition and motivation and the ability to look outside of his own tiny sphere. he lacks passion. I would say to him, "is this something that's going to change?" and he would say, bewildered, "I don't know." he doesn't seek to change himself. he lets the change happen to him.
for someone who doesn't like men, and who doesn't want to be male, he is very decidedly male. he is a boy.
I feel so fucking lost. my mom is sick. It feels like I don't have anyone. I keep thinking about ex-otter. I hope my mom doesn't die. it sounds like she won't right now, but it's still a fear.
I told shiny that I didn't want to hear from him unless he was begging for me to come back with promises of better communication. well, he's made that promise before. he doesn't fight for anything. why?
he just lets life happen.
people keep telling me this is the right thing to do. I don't know.
nothing feels right.