overwhelmed and underworked

just around midnight, I texted shiny to see if he was still awake. "yes sir" was his reply. I asked him if we could talk and he called me immediately.
"I just need someone that doesn't lie to me to tell me things will be ok." He did so. but I didn't believe it.
I told him that I want to die. that I've been trying to figure out the way to do it so as to inconvenience the least amount of people. "my mom died and life kept going. the same thing would happen if I died." I told him that right now the only reason I'm not dead is because of my cat. and I don't want my roommate to find me dead. that goes with the whole "inconveniencing people" thing. I told him that I don't know what I'm doing. that I have no effect on anyone. That I'm alone and have been my entire life. that my life has been bad punctuated with good instead of the other way around.
and I'm tired, so tired, and dreams are the only thing that feel real to me. no matter how crazy they get, they still feel more honest than the waking world.
people have such strange images of me. I'd like to meet someone who sees them all and sees through it and knows who I am. I'd like for someone to know me like I know me, and to love me for it. but I don't think that person exists, and I can't keep looking anymore. there just isn't any point.
I'm so tired of being sick. I'm so tired of getting sick. I'm tired of the winter. I don't think I can take another one in this town. I can't take the darkness at 4pm or the cold so bitter that it makes my eyes water when I step outside. I can't take these sleepless nights or the heating pad on my feet. I can't take the hibernation and the potholes and the skidding tires of my bike.
the people I need, bones and buttercup and ex-husband and the like, don't call or contact me. only the desperate do. I only hear from shiny in response, not from initiation. bear is gone. wizard is gone. beard is gone. everyone everyone everyone except chick and puppy and those are just complicated in simplistic ways. situationally complicated, not emotionally complicated. there is no one in providence that I hear from every day. no one my age that cares and makes the effort. sometimes I reach out and try and it just dies out. friendship is a two way street. I fall into old habits. I can't get close to anyone without being in love with them. shiny keeps me raw and doesn't even know it.
he doesn't know what to say or how to comfort me.
I don't know either.
sometimes there just aren't any words.
I guess "please don't die" would have been a good start.
but all he gives me is silence.