yeah, it's what we all knew already

last night I had a dream about vampires, but they were vampires like the ones in the book "The Passage." They had twisted, transparent faces that showed the writhing vines of veins beneath the skin. They had leathery bodies and misshapen wings. They devoured, not drained. I had a dream that I went to the woods with a friend and she insisted on staying after dark even though there were vampires in the trees. We only barely escaped the first time. They stayed away from the light, from all light, even artificial. If there was enough shade, though, they would creep in and silently steal you.
I went back to those woods with the same friend two more times. I don't know why. The first time was the most dangerous. The second time we had a car. The third time I brought my own car but didn't know the way home. I didn't want to be stuck again when she decided to stay. But I was anyway.
It was doing something that I knew I would regret, but going along anyway.
It was accompanying someone, thinking things would be different this time, but not having the strength to leave alone.
It was being terrified of dying but putting myself in the position to do so anyway.
It was not succumbing to horrid fear.
It was going forward through my fright and escaping against all odds.
I don't know exactly how this relates to my waking world. I know that I missed classes yesterday and today I called out of work and missed my first class. I know I'm at a turning point, but I'm not sure where I'm going. Yesterday was a day of breakthroughs. My therapist told me, "you are not responsible for your mother's death" and for the first time, I believed it. I told shiny that I loved him and after a long pause, he said, "I love you too" and for the first time it sounded like he meant it. It sounded like he was crying. He cracked for a moment. He closed back up again, but to know that it is possible for him to open is enough for me right now.
I worry that I am putting energy into something that will never pay off.
I worry that this will only lead to pain.
I told him about ex-otter and deafgirl and Oregon last night. More detail than I had before, at least. I told him how death changes things, how it had closed ex-otter off from me but opened him to deafgirl. How that hadn't happened to me. How much I'd been destroyed by ex-otter, how he'd never know how much he'd hurt me, how shiny would never know how much he had hurt me. There is no way to know, just like I never knew how much I had hurt buttercup.
I tried to tell them. No one told me.
We cannot know these things just by wanting to know. We must be taught and told.

I just keep thinking of those vampires, sweeping out of the trees, trying to get to me. Me, hiding in the light. Terrified of shadows.
I think about the catch in shiny's voice, so worried that I misheard what I took to be tears.
I think about the feeling of Oregon, of the hot springs, of looking at a Giger book as ex-otter got his sugar skull tattoo of Dru's birth and death dates. I think about the tiny room we stayed in at his cousin's house, and how I wanted ex-otter and I to have sex but worried it would be inappropriate. I think about the tiny snuffling noises he used to make when he would get naked and crawl under the blanket with me to watch a movie under my loft. I think about how he'd get self-conscious sometimes. How much I loved his body. How much I loved him.

It's raining today. I'd love to have someone here to hold me. Someone warm and sweet to nuzzle my neck and wrap their arms around me. I'd love to feel them smile into my back, for me to push my body back against them, to feel their skin press against mine.
I miss them. I miss all of them. I miss feeling wanted and loved and safe.
I miss von's softness and her gentle smile. I miss her eyes. I miss her small fingers and strong, delicate hands. I miss buttercup's anxiety and how he'd sometimes cry against my chest. I miss the way ex-husband would hold me in his lap and rock me and rub my ear to calm me down. I miss small things. So many small things, so that mostly I don't even know if there were big ones.
What is big?
I thought I killed my mom, but it turns out I didn't. Life did.
Isn't that a fuckin' kicker.