winded from a long journey nowhere

think about you and my heart wants to run away. think about you and I want to give up.
"tell me you don't want me," I told you. "Ok. I don't want you." "Do you mean that?" in tears. "Yes. I don't want anyone." oh, it was painful to hear but I guess it was what I needed. "you were going to come visit and what? I was going to have to pretend like I didn't want to fuck you, like I didn't want you to touch me. did you even think that far?" "no."
no, you didn't think that far. like you said to me before, you don't think ahead. it's not that you're the spontaneous sort. you're not. you just don't look beyond your feet to see what's in front of you. you only look down and see where you are immediately going.
I told you all the things I loved about you and I asked if you had loved me like that. "no." you sounded bewildered and sad. I asked if you'd ever loved anyone like that and you said "I think so." stop thinking and start knowing, please.
think about you and it pushes my head further under the water. "I thought that maybe if you came to see me, and you saw me, it would change your mind." and he made those sad noises at me. he doesn't want to have to think of anyone but himself, but he's not a naturally selfish person. that's why he has to shut off part of his brain in order to get by. that's why he can't see ahead. because he doesn't want to take anyone else into account. he doesn't want to have an effect.
I told him that's he's right back where he was before me. same routine, same way of doing things. but me, everything has changed. everything. and I collapse to say it, and I cry when I realize it. some of it's for the better and some of it isn't, but I can't really tell you what is what.
I loved someone and they loved me and I thought it could be that simple and easy. Just like I have done before. but there weren't fights and he fit me so perfectly.
How can one person be both so right and so wrong for me at the same time?
he said I helped him realize how fucked up he is. but what is he doing with that knowledge? I don't know. nothing, from what I can tell.
as for me, sometimes I want to slide back to where I was before. slide back into sex just to feel and feel wanted. so that for a little while, I am someone's world. even if it's just for an hour. to feel desired. to forget the hurt. but it's another form of self-destruction and I've been trying so hard to get rid of all of those. the whiskey and the pot and sleep deprivation and the not eating and then the cutting that I ruled out long ago. years. I don't even think of that as an option these days.
and everyone that I have ever loved has gone away.
and I have so few close friends.
and I can't blame it on anyone.
I wish it was someone's fault. I do. but it's mine. these past months show me how sheltered I have made myself and how little I trust anyone. because when I needed people, there was no one for me to grasp. and now I've been sick these past few days and no one has come to help me. anu drove me home from school. ome said she'd stop by but never did. joy is too busy. I leave passive-aggressive status updates lamenting my loneliness. that isn't the way to get people to come close to me. maybe I know that and I just don't care anymore. because at first I try to be nice, and I ask for help, and when there is no response I get angry and use guilt.
I probably focus too much on what I don't have. The truth is that there are people that love and care about. it's not that I don't have anyone, it's that I don't have everyone. what I have isn't enough for me. but what is enough? how is that defined?
I don't know. the eternal struggle. how can I learn to be happy with just what I have instead of wanting more?
oh, these headaches.