still bitter, so bitter, always bitter

I want to take care of myself but I think I've forgotten how. This feeling of disbelief and loss doesn't leave me. It coats me like salt left from an ocean swim. It's invisible yet tangible, and I can't get rid of it.
Reality lays heavily on my mind. Heavy. It weighs me down. I went to bed at 10:30 because I couldn't think of anything else to do. I stayed up reading until midnight. Now here I am, writing it down.
Just added the names of old friends to my blocked users list. Old friends who cut me from their lives without explanation years ago. People that it hurts to see mentioned. Now I won't have to worry about that. Do you see? I can ignore things that hurt, too.
I cannot stop being bitter. And it pains me.
I am so frightened to hope for anything. I am so sick of being alone. I put myself here, I know. I put myself here and now I'm not sure how to get out. Every time I reach for something, I get pushed back.
Dreams last night about my ex-husband and his cruelty.
Cruelty that never existed while we were together.
So much has changed in 5 years, except that I love him.
I love him and everyone that has left me.
I wonder what it's like to let these things go?

I am so angry, and confused, and lost, and ashamed.
So tired of these dreams in my empty bed. Tired of my empty heart. Tired of my empty future. Tired of this empty hope. I still think about dying. I still find comfort in its thought, even though I doubt that I would do it. Right now it's just my sister that keeps me hanging on. And even if I did die, she could handle it.
After so many people leave you, you put the pieces together and the only common factor is you. Is me. If there wasn't something wrong with me, then someone would have stayed. Someone would have fought for me. Someone would still be here.
But no one has and no one is and I miss feeling wanted by someone that I want.
Shiny might have loved me, but it was only because he thought it was what he was supposed to do. My legacy is making him realize how fucked up he is. But who's he hurting other than himself? As long as he remains single, it's only his life that he ruins. Now that he's let me go, there's no one else to hurt. So go ahead, Shiny. Ignore me and ignore this and forget about the things I've said and what you've felt. Forget about all of it. You're better off being numb. Believe me.

I fucking hate how pathetic my life has become. Or at least the way I treat it is.