just wondering

drawn to the phoenix. the word phoenix. the concept. the idea. the city.
"don't go to phoenix. there's nothing there." but I had a dream once that the person I loved was there. I had a dream that I was supposed to follow. I still haven't gone. I don't know if I will.
the phoenix and its burning wings. the phoenix, reborn out of ashes. the mythology. the symbolism. the analogy.
the idea that a being can rise out of its own destruction. the details differ from culture to culture, but certain elements remain. beauty. fire. death. rebirth.
and a very long life.
what does the phoenix do with its years? what would any creature do? is it wise? is there only one? is it lonely? where does it go? what does it do? who does it love?
these mythologies of long-lived creatures baffle me. I do not understand the strong desire for power and longevity. I don't know what I would do with all the years.
the long-lived in the tale of Gulliver's Travels grow to hate themselves and the world. they grow backwards into senility from the age of 40 onwards. but other mythos, like that of the vampire, talk of ever-lasting youth and beauty. but there's always a price, right?
burn yourself at the end of your 500 or 1000 years. be reborn. or drink the blood of other creatures just to live. hate your existence. I don't know.
why am I so drawn to the phoenix? what loss have I faced? death, and heart break, and liars, and pain. does the phoenix remember its past lives? does it feel the flames? does it scream?
could it ever choose to die and stay dead?