just pain, what of it?

ride it. I rode it. I rode it until it bucked me off. left me naked in the dust. left me bruised and bleeding. never even noticed I had fallen. never even noticed I'd been there.
I can eat now. the poison's gone. my gut feels empty instead of queasy and the shaking feels natural. eat it. eat it up. forget about me and everything. forget about all the things I said.
the small things. how everything mattered. you never told me I was beautiful. you never said it and for months I wondered why. how many other things did you say that you didn't mean? what was the harm of one more?
I hate how much I miss your upper lip and the crinkles around your eyes when you laughed. I hate how much I loved to see your hands on me, anywhere, it didn't matter. how lightly you would stroke my arm, in just the right place, the spot where my spiderweb lives. your smile your smile your smile and the way you held me against your chest. I hate the memories and I hate how badly I ache for them.
for you. for you. for you for you for you.
maybe you've felt this way about someone before. but I remember so many things about my exes. so many things about everyone that I have loved. how could you forget? what makes you so numb? what's your goddamn excuse?
here, a list, without names:
his weird grin
his turtle neck, giggle, the little jump he did
the serious playfulness in her eyes, the grace of her wrist
the tiny kisses he would plant on my neck
tortured gazes and how he hid with lust when I took off my shirt
the way his fingers looked when he played bass
her little smile and moans and the softness of her body as we rocked against each other
the way he'd pull me into his lap and rock me when I was sad, his arms encircling me, his head leaning down against mine. so many things about him. so many years
eyes. always eyes. and smiles.
laughter
the freckles on his knuckles and his mock-surprised face
the way his upper lip looked when he shaved off the mustache of his goatee
her warm breath and sighs
the way her hair brushed the shining water as she leaned out off the pier
the mole on her cheek
tiny noises
how he'd step out of his clothing and snuggle into bed with me
long, work-worn fingers
lips
how she tasted
the feeling of warmth on my back
sweat dripping onto me
eyes, always eyes, the shape and color and intensity
lips, sucking on them, chewing, staring, touching, analyzing, wanting
how can anyone not remember these things?
gasps, the intake of air
eyes closed at orgasm
strange noises
hands on the back of my head
his nails
slapping my face
the look in his eyes as he chained me up
half-fear, half-desire
how can anyone forget? I remember all the way back to pre-school. I remember them all. ask me any name, any time, and I can tell you. I will describe it. the letter I wrote, sealed with tape over a lipstick kiss. licking behind his ear. being pressed against a foggy window in the backseat of his father's car. her hand creeping up my thigh. his weight on top of me.
loss.
and loss and loss and loss.
all these people gone from me. just like you. like you are gone. like I want you to be gone. like I am from you. like you made me.
I hate you sometimes.
that sharp, strange pain in my chest. the place I used to rub after ex-otter left me. the place I rub now so it doesn't feel so empty.
you never asked me personal questions.
wasn't there anything you wanted to know?
I could see so much about you.
why didn't you want to know?