I am not convinced that any of this matters

I still resent ex-otter. His birthday is tomorrow. I can't remember what we did for it when we were together. It was only a week before his brother died. Then he shoved me away, and broke my heart at the beginning of December. I think it was the 7th.
I still resent him because I've had a hellish time with no one to take care of me. Because I was sick with PID or bi-lateral kidney infection, or whatever the fuck, and I used up my friendships trying to get well. Because when he left me, he immediately had someone else. So they hadn't had sex yet. So what? There are other ways to cheat. Other ways to be together. He should know. He dated a girl that he didn't get to penetrate.
I resent him because he left me so easily and stayed gone so willingly. Because he was cold, then tried to say it was my choice. Because he acted surprised at my devastation. Because my life is a wreck and I miss stupid things like his ankles and the arch of his foot. When he left me, I cried because I knew I wouldn't find anyone else who could make me believe his fingers were alive. He wove pictures with them when he talked, and acted out puppetry for me without disguise. I loved to watch his hands. I tried to emulate the movements, but never got it right.
It is the small things that kill me. Those small things.
So many miniscule parts add up to a whole. There is no big picture without the pixels. I should have been a scientist, studying smaller and smaller particles, making up explanations for what is made of what. String theory is appealing. So small. So significant. Right now entirely impossible to prove.
I wonder if this is how my exes felt when I moved on from them? Is this how buttercup felt when von came in? how ex-husband felt? from relationship to relationship for my entire adult life until ex-otter left me. no wonder I fell apart. Who am I when I'm alone?
I'm alone a lot these days.
I'm unmotivated but creative. Despondent but hopeful. Angry and helpless. Sad, always sad, so sad. I usually cry at some point. And I miss the smell of people that I haven't seen in over ten years. I miss the feeling I had around them. I miss California and I hate it.
I called shiny useless. But what use am I, these days?
pot calling the kettle shiny? no, no, no. kettle doesn't call shiny anymore, and he doesn't call either.