coughing up the excess

he called me and sang to me when I asked him to. sang, then I said goodbye, and hung up the phone. he called me when I was in the hospital. I had to go, he said, "should I call you later?" and I told him that I wouldn't think any less of him if he didn't call again that night. but I did.
like treating pneumonia with cough drops. we walk around the symptoms, never rooting out the cause. what is it about him that keeps me latched so tightly? how can I feel so emotionally faithful to someone that feels only slightly more than nothing for me? five months we were together, almost four we've been apart. how do I get so attached to such smooth surfaces?
those that try, I push away. more than push. I ignore them, abuse them, take them for granted. I don't know how to reciprocate. I can only initiate. I feel untrustworthy and ashamed. how could anyone ever depend on me? I am so inconstant. Inconsistent. emotionally incapacitated.
I offer surface value, just enough so people stay. but the important parts of me I save for the people that leave. and then I have another reason not to trust. self-defeating. self-defacing. self-destructive.
I want to do the things that I say I will do, and I want to do them when I say I will.
I want to care about other people as much as I care about myself. I have wanted this for years. Why do I still fall so short? What do I need to do? self-sacrifice? be my own martyr? fuck martyrdom. I just want to feel human.