try to unwind this, try to undo the knots

called shiny at 11pm last night because I couldn't sleep and I knew he was the only one that could calm my brain. reminds me of how I used to be the only one that could calm down buttercup's anxiety. but then I became his anxiety. is that shiny's lot in my life? he calms me or he hurts me but there is no neutral setting?
called shiny last night and I became the person that I liked. and we laughed and I loved his voice and how he'd laugh at my laughter and the stupid shit I say just to make him laugh. I say ridiculous things in ridiculous ways because it makes him make ridiculous sounds. I am still with him, even if he isn't with me, and I don't know what to do with that.
all I know is that I ache horribly without him in my life. I typed him a letter but I haven't sent it. he hasn't said whether or not he wants me to. I guess that means he doesn't. I'll probably send it anyway.
I just do what I want to do anyway.
just like everyone else. always looking out for ourselves, no matter who it hurts.

but that's not what I wanted to say here. I don't want to be so full of self-pity. but I don't want to be some kind of martyr without a cause, either. I want things to make sense like they used to, but we can never go back to how we were. there are only steps forward. we don't get to step backwards. always forwards.
and I wish I could have talked to shiny about why I couldn't sleep. I wish he would have asked. I would have told him. I wonder if I'll call him tonight. I don't know. I wonder if he'd answer. probably.
I didn't mean to depend on him like this.
but I don't know what to do.

two months later and I still can't let anyone else hold me when I cry. I still haven't found anyone to listen like he used to.
nobody else will just listen. I don't need solutions. I don't need sympathy. I need quiet empathy. I need love without judgment.
I need shiny.
I guess it's time to see what happens next.