the truth

hands are shaking. wish you coulda saved me. I have my days of dealing but every once in a while I just want you so badly. I want you to call me and love me and hold me and smile at me again. I want you to be who I thought you were: the person you were being for me. I wish that person had been real. I wish you were just what you seemed to be.
I don't cry about you anymore. not sure when it stopped completely. I only realized it yesterday when I tried to remember the last time I cried. it feels like it's been a long time. it probably hasn't been.
these days are so long. chick would gladly talk to me every night if I made the effort to call. I don't. I don't want to talk about anything. I don't want someone to take your place.
besides, he reminds me too much of ex-otter. you reminded me of buttercup. but it turns out that wasn't you either. and he went away too, a year ago. haven't heard from him since.

I try I try I try to make sense of this. I almost understand where you're coming from. I wonder how you're doing. I wonder if you miss me. I wonder if you miss us. I miss sleeping beside you. I miss waking up and touching you for comfort. I miss feeling your broad back turned towards me. I miss the way you'd nestle into my arms. I miss your shoulders. I miss your legs, bigger than my head.
I still miss the life I'd had planned out for us. like they say, if it seems too good to be true then it probably is.

you were too good to be true.
which makes sense, because you weren't.