last night I called shiny and we talked for a while and somehow things ended up getting very serious. I hadn't meant to do that. I told him that I felt sad for him because his life seemed so empty. it seems like he only does what he thinks is expected of him and not a step more than that. he agreed. he seems untouched by everything. I don't understand it. and I don't understand why I continue to want him so badly.
I said, "I think I liked being with you because it was like being alone." I didn't mean that I was lonely (though I was during the week, in between times, I meant that he didn't take up energy. I loved being with him. I loved spending time with him. having him with me was comforting because he was there just for me. joy tried telling me that he was boring and dull and nothing and I just kept disagreeing. he's very interesting. he's fascinating. how can somebody live like he does? that in itself fascinates me. but that he can seem so sweet and caring also confuses me. he isn't one to think of surprises or do anything more than what he is asked to do.
and even though he seems untouched by everything, he still will not read this journal. I asked him if he thinks about the past. "No."
"Well, maybe you should. it might help."
there is so much I still don't understand.
and I don't know why it's so important that I do so.
and I don't know why I still want him to come back to me.
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