stasis

I don't know what to say that I haven't already said. I'm so tired today and I'm not sure why. I miss the way it felt to have a full heart. I miss not having this ache in my sternum.
I miss boston and bike rides and laughter and smiles. I miss his fingers. I miss his eyes.
and it doesn't matter.
none of it matters.

I want to write so I have something to remind me of how I used to feel. I feel neither hopeless nor hopeful. I accept the pointlessness that my life has become. I am working towards nothing. I don't feel for anyone. I don't want anyone. No one new, at least. nothing that is real.
old habits die hard. so when I look at people, I have a brief glimmer of that old predatory me. but I don't act on it anymore. I don't flirt and I don't stare and I don't even smile that much now. I think I used to laugh more. I think my face used to feel less strained.

shiny never promised to stay with me. shiny never said "forever." he didn't offer future plans. he neither agreed nor denied.
I don't want to make plans for an uncertain future. I offer no promises. I feel nothing. I want nothing.
nothing new, anyway.