pointless

I don't know who I see anymore when I masturbate. I used to picture shiny so clearly. but it's been over two months since the last time I saw him. over two months since we last had sex. it feels like it's been a lot longer.
five months. it was only five months. but I'm still all wrecked over it.
three months today since my mom died. shiny held me. we walked to the park. I called my dad. shiny makes helpless sad noises when I cry at him. when I called last week and broke down, he made those same noises.
I wish I wasn't so hard on him.
I wish he'd let me in.