muffled

dreams about those I have lost: those that have died or gone away. in my dreams, it is not amazing that my mother is not dead. in my dreams, she never died. last night I dreamt that shiny called me. the night before I dreamt that we rode our bikes together every day on our way to work and school. I came from my childhood house and he lived down the street. if I timed it just right, I would go by his driveway as he left and our paths would merge seamlessly. he agreed with me that it was very nice. he smiled, and I smiled, and when I woke up the first thing that I did was call him. 9am on a sunday. I woke him up to say that I dream about him.
I don't know what this feeling is. I get so confused. I don't know what there is to get confused about. I have talked to him almost every day lately. he feels so sad. I miss holding him. I miss being with him. he's not happy with his life. he's where he was before. I asked him what he wants from life and he could only answer in immediate, short-term goals. eat enough, sleep enough, life weights, read books, just do what he wants to do. but he said he can't even get that right.
I told him that the short-term doesn't matter without the long-term. people need people. I don't get up every morning for me. I get up for my sister. for him. for my roommate and my cat and all the people that would miss me. I go to school because I know that in a year I'll be back in the social work program. I'll be back where I want to be. I asked him "why do you get up in the morning?"
he lives in long pauses. sometimes he waits so long to answer that I'm not sure if he heard me. I didn't wait to hear the answer this time. talking to him is an exercise in patience for me, but not in the accustomed way. I wonder what goes on inside his head when he contemplates my questions. I wonder why he doesn't try to figure himself out.
I told him he feels empty and it scares me. I told him it feels like he's hiding. I said that I could be wrong. again, I didn't wait for a response.
I told him he was allowed to contact me. I wish he'd write. I wish he'd think. I wish he'd say something real without my prompting.
in the end, aren't I just wishing for someone else?
I don't know.
he felt so good.
it was so good to be with him.

whenever everything seems to be going right, I know things are about to go wrong.