it isn't their fault. they're just following evolutionary imperatives

so confused. not twisted, more like swirled. can't get these feelings to settle. reminded of too many things.
ex-otter, and how he used to be. the way that he left me. shiny, and how his feelings dulled. how he doesn't remember. ex-husband and his dogged silence. buttercup. I still don't understand that.
I like to watch the people that watch me. voyeurism of a voyeur. I like to see who cares enough to keep up. but that's just my definition. different ways for different people. shiny avoids. I oversimplify. or sometimes complicate.
fit
me
into
boxes.
let me be someone that pours into your mold. let me be the things that someone, anyone needs. someone to be desired. someone to want. maybe I'm already there. I've never been good at subtleties, or acknowledging what I don't want to see.

so many discarded plans.
so many forgotten projects.

I miss the ones that don't miss me. that don't show that they miss me. that don't show me that they miss me.
I know. we are not psychic. what I need is not what they can give, and what they need is not known to me. no matter how vocal I am, if a person doesn't have it then they can't give it. I miss shiny's stillness, his comfort, his solidity, his steadfastness, his calm. but I don't know how much of it was real and how much was just something I superimposed my desires onto. I don't know how much is true and how much is just what I wanted to see.
at the bottom of it all, when everything's been washed away, it doesn't matter anymore.

I remember seeing him for the first time and how nervous I was.
I remember the soft deepness of his voice. the lilting way he said things. tenderly. but guarded.
always so closed off.
just when I thought we were getting somewhere, he left me.

this is the way the world works. people come, let you love them, and then leave before they can be left. the trick is to leave first. that used to be me. thought I'd turn over a new leaf. guess that means now I'm the one that stays.
the only consolation I can find in these times is the realization that what they do to me will be done to them.
every pain thrust on me, they will eventually feel.
and if I can one day purge my heart of bitterness, I will be all the better for it.

I just don't know how to start.