he's not there

throw myself into nothing.
listen to songs on repeat. anything to feel something more than this. anything to distract me from the confusion. plunge me into pain because that's something familiar.
I miss shiny.
cried tonight, finally. went through my photos from the past few months. until he left me, most of them were of him. I loved photographing beautiful features. so many pictures of his freckles, lips, eyes. the same tight-lipped mona lisa smile in every shot. never got beyond his facade. never got the chance to see who he really was.
how could I be so loyal to someone that kept me so distant?
how can I still be so loyal to him? the only person I've ever been with where I didn't want anyone but him. he was enough. he listened, and tried, and I miss him.
the thought of him being with someone else makes my heart feel like it's being squeezed. I get a little light-headed and I start to have trouble breathing. I don't want to really be with anyone until I can stop feeling that way about him.
this is so stupid, and I know it is, and there's so little that I can do.
I can write, but it doesn't matter.
I could call if I still had his number.
But what would I hope to accomplish, other than re-opening the wound?
I want him back or I want it over but regardless, I want resolution. That's all up to me.
I hate loving someone so much that months after they leave me, I still hope for them to return.