good isn't enough

I know it's ridiculous, but I still look at my visitor information to see if shiny has read this yet. he hasn't. he hasn't read anything since he broke up with me, and I don't think that's fair. I think he should have to know what has been going on. I think he should see the hurt.
but again, the pain I wish on others is pain that will return to me. so why even bother?
I cried today about my mother. it had been a while. found myself wearing almost the exact outfit I wore when she came to visit me. found myself mentioning her in conversation, making people feel awkward. I don't mean to do it. it's just what happens.
I miss her and I wish there was some end in sight. but there isn't. this isn't a break up where maybe one day you can be friends again. this is death and it doesn't change. and it hurts. and people don't know how to handle it. I don't even know how to handle it.
all I know is that I miss her, and I wish shiny hadn't left, or I wish I'd never met him so I could be happily with chick, but I'd feel like a hypocrite to do that because I would be devastated if shiny were dating someone now.
I don't think he is, and it isn't something I can do anything about, but it would hurt.
I want him to stop mattering this way.
I want my mom to be ok.
but really, I guess she's doing better than anyone else I know.